I have the flu. Home for the third day now. And I am actually completely fine with it. Normally I despise, like any normal human, being sick. Not this time. I am not at school. So, that equals happiness.
I wasn't sure what this year back to teaching would hold. I knew there would be challenges, that I would have a lot to learn and re-learn. I had a lot of personal hardships. I had no clue how I would feel about teaching or if I would stay. But, I never thought I would end up the couch. With the flu. Sick. And happy about it.
The year isn't over and I am sure I will realize many new things about myself as the months after pass. I do know that I have learned that working in traditional public education is not for me. I can't teach everyday AND fight the good fight. Many be able to put one aside or do both together. But, I can't. Maybe I am too worn down by all that the last few years have thrown at me. Maybe I am not cut out for it. Maybe I COULD do it, but I just don't WANT to. Maybe I am weak.
Whatever the case may be, I am not coming back to teach next year.
I thought that I had hit my bottom a few years ago when I left teaching...the first time. I wasn't even close. Since a lot of professional failure accompanies this go around, I am definitely on the bottom of the barrel. No where to go but up from here.
There are so many things I am interested in pursing with the next part of my life. I am getting myself out there and researching. Because, that's what I do, I research.
I will figure it out. I will find a career that is right for me.
Meanwhile....I lay on my couch. Body hurting. Head hurting. Fever. Chills. And full of relief to not be at school.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
When to buy Long Term Care
Today while making copies in the teacher's workroom, I fell into a conversation with an AXA representative about Long Term Care. He heard me telling a colleague how important it was to get. It's been about a year since I have done extensive research for getting LTC for Ben and I, and after talking about it today, I realize that I don't have to wait.
I can start preparing now.
It helps that I am preparing with lots of retirement plans as well. So, think about that.
So...when do you get it? How much? Those are the big questions I am going to get answered soon and I will get back to you with more information later.
Meanwhile-I am reading for me and finding some good info. for all of you.
Start here:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/should-you-buy-long-term-care-insurance/
No matter what you do. Have the conversation with your spouse or a family member. Talk to your financial planner, insurance agent or whoever you go to for this stuff. Start thinking and planning NOW.
I can start preparing now.
It helps that I am preparing with lots of retirement plans as well. So, think about that.
So...when do you get it? How much? Those are the big questions I am going to get answered soon and I will get back to you with more information later.
Meanwhile-I am reading for me and finding some good info. for all of you.
Start here:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/should-you-buy-long-term-care-insurance/
No matter what you do. Have the conversation with your spouse or a family member. Talk to your financial planner, insurance agent or whoever you go to for this stuff. Start thinking and planning NOW.
Friday, February 26, 2016
The Letting Go: Chapter 6-Admitting FAILURE
After having the worst evaluation of my career this past week I have spent the last few days in deep contemplation and last night I did not sleep at all as I read blog after blog, article after article, videos, lessons, engagement strategies (I actually found something amazing). I watched a movie, went back to articles. Watched a show, then back to lessons. ANYTHING to lift me out of the dreary, sad slump that I am in this first year back to teaching. I was as close to hitting bottom as I have ever been.
I read funny stories, scary stories, sad stories, watched lessons, READ lessons, found cool projects. I even delved into the pathetic political mess that is national and state educational debate with everything from podcasts to Facebook.
Don't misunderstand. I was not shocked by my evaluation ONE BIT. I knew it was awful. At first I thought, "It was okayyyy." NO. It. Was. Not. Okay. Who am I kidding? I am capable of so much more. Why can't I get my kids there? Where I know they can go? Where I get them one day and then not for 2 or 3 more?
All I know for sure is that I have been full of anxiety, stress and completely and utterly fatigued on a daily basis. I LITERALLY sleep the entire day every Saturday. I find myself glued to Netflix more and more instead of working because I am feeling no joy or excitement for the upcoming week. I'd take a couple days off every month, but knowing how awful my students are for subs just creates more anxiety and stress.
Then something became crystal clear as I was scrolling through open positions at various consulting firms and textbook companies.
I AM NOT BEING ME.
So what if I have had a rough few years with surgeries, Alzheimer's and Mom passing on Thanksgiving. SO WHAT! None of that mattered before. When I was at Attucks going through the first half of all those awful experiences I still taught, taught with passion and TAUGHT WELL. My students learned, grew and were excited about school. I developed amazing relationships with kids in every grade level from 6-12, even if they were never in my class. I still LOVED MY JOB.
I was not a fan of the adults, the politics or the increased standardized testing as shown below (see DATA)...but I always said..."Things are crazy right now, but I am happy in my four little walls. Things are good there."
Now I find myself getting frustrated and angry with students. I have raised my voice more this year than in my 14 years of teaching. I spend 6 or so hours a week calling, writing and texting parents-just about each student everyday-to let them know how their child is doing with behavior and academics. But, I still have a large amount of kids that cannot use self control. I know I am am learning a whole new grade level, curriculum, district expectations...blah blah blah. But, why I am letting this all get to me so much? Why am I letting that stop me from having fun? Why do I feel so much pressure to do exactly as they tell me, every strategy, every management techniques, GO GO GO. I am just setting myself up for failure.
And I realized that I have been listening to everyone around me, something I have never done. I have been trying to conform and become something that I am not. I am not a robot or a clone. Why would anyone want to walk around the building and see exactly the same things being done in every single room? BORING. I don't understand. Just because someone tells me that using a certain graphic organizer, to follow EXACTLY what is written on the district website, or to push through the lesson because that is what administration looks for...and that the instruction is more important to our evaluation than anything else. Be careful, Lara, so much rides on our DATA, those data meetings are rough. There is something to the data thing (which inherently goes against the philosophy that we are trying to immerse ourselves in). Although administration has told me to take one step at a time and that they know a lot is expected in WT, there is also this unspoken pressure. That's a different post. Another day.
Pffft. Phooey. Blah. No wonder I have felt completely uncomfortable all year, that is not me. I need to find my OWN way. I ALWAYS do what is right for the kids. They are first. I did not enter this profession to impress anyone. I know that I still have done some good. I have not completely disappeared down the rabbit hole, I am still there, kicking and screaming to get out. I have watched several students with major issues pull through and gain confidence and learn about themselves. In fact, this past Friday, one of my sugar pies had a huge breakthrough. I was so dang happy for the kid.
However, I find that I am so weighted down by the negatives, the positives get lost in the shuffle. I have yet to be complimented one time. I have never needed positive reinforcement, but it would probably have helped this time around. I am not sure if anyone sees my positive days, moments, or lessons. And being completely new. They have no idea who I am. I have wanted to say, "Wait, I really don't suck, I swear! Just give me some time, look....see...waittt!"
Of course, it doesn't mean that I am going to NOT use the strategies I am being taught just out of spite. I have been introduced to many effective strategies. I have LOTS AND LOTS to learn and I have since the start of my career, I have never stopped learning.
But, I am also very tired of working harder and not smarter. I am tired of walking around with a fake smile and a broken heart. It's only February and I am already burned out. And this situation is very confusing. In IPS it was very obvious what was happening and the administrators did not even try to hide their agendas. This time I know that is not what is happening. I know the administrators WANT us to succeed, they care, but I do also see a fair amount of lip service. However, it is hidden. Do they even REALIZE what they are doing to us? Has anyone said anything to them? I have been told by 10+ staff members that they feel the same as I do and are miserable. I have IAs telling me as well how miserable the teachers are feeling. What gives? And do I step up and say something? In the past I would not have hesitated. I'm good at communicating this kind of information to those in administrative positions, a place that others are usually afraid of going. But, should I? Really, in the end, if they don't know me....I don't know them either. Would they really hear me? Would I be digging my own grave? Maybe I should just say THAT...oh so many questions.
I digress.
Back to that moment of realization that I have not been myself. I closed my computer. I took my pathetic butt off the couch. And I began to clean the house. Something I have not had the energy to do in a long time. And those that know me well, know that is huge. A clean organized home makes me FEEL better.
I have felt more at peace today than I have in years.
I simply became aware of myself and made the decision to change...to be me again.
Clearly, my classroom will not change overnight, but pretty close. I have done it before. I am not going to say that I won't raise my voice on Monday (boy, I hope not though). I can't live like that anymore.
What I am going to do is apologize to my students.
Something I don't see teachers do very often. Something I have never hesitated to do if needed. I am going to apologize to them for not being the best me I can be. I am going to apologize for forgetting what they really need from me. We have had many good days too, they have made progress since the holiday break, it hasn't been a complete flop. But, I see things headed down hill again and I am very relieved that I came to this crossroads, because I am not sure my mental state could have handled any more. I have let my kids down so many times and I just don't think I could have handled doing it again, they deserve better.
So, I will go forward. Slowwwwly. I will try to find my passion again. I will be honest with myself and with my kids and their parents, my colleagues and possibly my administrators. I know that many of our students are a challenge, again a post for another day. I see many of my same road blocks all over the building. But, I don't need to be miserable everyday. I don't need to have sore knees, a sore hip, migraines and have lots almost 60 pounds due to stress (don't worry, I eat). I will be tired, but I will be tired in that good way. And smiling as much as I can.
I read funny stories, scary stories, sad stories, watched lessons, READ lessons, found cool projects. I even delved into the pathetic political mess that is national and state educational debate with everything from podcasts to Facebook.
Don't misunderstand. I was not shocked by my evaluation ONE BIT. I knew it was awful. At first I thought, "It was okayyyy." NO. It. Was. Not. Okay. Who am I kidding? I am capable of so much more. Why can't I get my kids there? Where I know they can go? Where I get them one day and then not for 2 or 3 more?
All I know for sure is that I have been full of anxiety, stress and completely and utterly fatigued on a daily basis. I LITERALLY sleep the entire day every Saturday. I find myself glued to Netflix more and more instead of working because I am feeling no joy or excitement for the upcoming week. I'd take a couple days off every month, but knowing how awful my students are for subs just creates more anxiety and stress.
Then something became crystal clear as I was scrolling through open positions at various consulting firms and textbook companies.
I AM NOT BEING ME.
So what if I have had a rough few years with surgeries, Alzheimer's and Mom passing on Thanksgiving. SO WHAT! None of that mattered before. When I was at Attucks going through the first half of all those awful experiences I still taught, taught with passion and TAUGHT WELL. My students learned, grew and were excited about school. I developed amazing relationships with kids in every grade level from 6-12, even if they were never in my class. I still LOVED MY JOB.
I was not a fan of the adults, the politics or the increased standardized testing as shown below (see DATA)...but I always said..."Things are crazy right now, but I am happy in my four little walls. Things are good there."
Now I find myself getting frustrated and angry with students. I have raised my voice more this year than in my 14 years of teaching. I spend 6 or so hours a week calling, writing and texting parents-just about each student everyday-to let them know how their child is doing with behavior and academics. But, I still have a large amount of kids that cannot use self control. I know I am am learning a whole new grade level, curriculum, district expectations...blah blah blah. But, why I am letting this all get to me so much? Why am I letting that stop me from having fun? Why do I feel so much pressure to do exactly as they tell me, every strategy, every management techniques, GO GO GO. I am just setting myself up for failure.
And I realized that I have been listening to everyone around me, something I have never done. I have been trying to conform and become something that I am not. I am not a robot or a clone. Why would anyone want to walk around the building and see exactly the same things being done in every single room? BORING. I don't understand. Just because someone tells me that using a certain graphic organizer, to follow EXACTLY what is written on the district website, or to push through the lesson because that is what administration looks for...and that the instruction is more important to our evaluation than anything else. Be careful, Lara, so much rides on our DATA, those data meetings are rough. There is something to the data thing (which inherently goes against the philosophy that we are trying to immerse ourselves in). Although administration has told me to take one step at a time and that they know a lot is expected in WT, there is also this unspoken pressure. That's a different post. Another day.
Pffft. Phooey. Blah. No wonder I have felt completely uncomfortable all year, that is not me. I need to find my OWN way. I ALWAYS do what is right for the kids. They are first. I did not enter this profession to impress anyone. I know that I still have done some good. I have not completely disappeared down the rabbit hole, I am still there, kicking and screaming to get out. I have watched several students with major issues pull through and gain confidence and learn about themselves. In fact, this past Friday, one of my sugar pies had a huge breakthrough. I was so dang happy for the kid.
However, I find that I am so weighted down by the negatives, the positives get lost in the shuffle. I have yet to be complimented one time. I have never needed positive reinforcement, but it would probably have helped this time around. I am not sure if anyone sees my positive days, moments, or lessons. And being completely new. They have no idea who I am. I have wanted to say, "Wait, I really don't suck, I swear! Just give me some time, look....see...waittt!"
Of course, it doesn't mean that I am going to NOT use the strategies I am being taught just out of spite. I have been introduced to many effective strategies. I have LOTS AND LOTS to learn and I have since the start of my career, I have never stopped learning.
But, I am also very tired of working harder and not smarter. I am tired of walking around with a fake smile and a broken heart. It's only February and I am already burned out. And this situation is very confusing. In IPS it was very obvious what was happening and the administrators did not even try to hide their agendas. This time I know that is not what is happening. I know the administrators WANT us to succeed, they care, but I do also see a fair amount of lip service. However, it is hidden. Do they even REALIZE what they are doing to us? Has anyone said anything to them? I have been told by 10+ staff members that they feel the same as I do and are miserable. I have IAs telling me as well how miserable the teachers are feeling. What gives? And do I step up and say something? In the past I would not have hesitated. I'm good at communicating this kind of information to those in administrative positions, a place that others are usually afraid of going. But, should I? Really, in the end, if they don't know me....I don't know them either. Would they really hear me? Would I be digging my own grave? Maybe I should just say THAT...oh so many questions.
I digress.
Back to that moment of realization that I have not been myself. I closed my computer. I took my pathetic butt off the couch. And I began to clean the house. Something I have not had the energy to do in a long time. And those that know me well, know that is huge. A clean organized home makes me FEEL better.
I have felt more at peace today than I have in years.
I simply became aware of myself and made the decision to change...to be me again.
Clearly, my classroom will not change overnight, but pretty close. I have done it before. I am not going to say that I won't raise my voice on Monday (boy, I hope not though). I can't live like that anymore.
What I am going to do is apologize to my students.
Something I don't see teachers do very often. Something I have never hesitated to do if needed. I am going to apologize to them for not being the best me I can be. I am going to apologize for forgetting what they really need from me. We have had many good days too, they have made progress since the holiday break, it hasn't been a complete flop. But, I see things headed down hill again and I am very relieved that I came to this crossroads, because I am not sure my mental state could have handled any more. I have let my kids down so many times and I just don't think I could have handled doing it again, they deserve better.
So, I will go forward. Slowwwwly. I will try to find my passion again. I will be honest with myself and with my kids and their parents, my colleagues and possibly my administrators. I know that many of our students are a challenge, again a post for another day. I see many of my same road blocks all over the building. But, I don't need to be miserable everyday. I don't need to have sore knees, a sore hip, migraines and have lots almost 60 pounds due to stress (don't worry, I eat). I will be tired, but I will be tired in that good way. And smiling as much as I can.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
The Letting Go: Chapter 5-Awaking and Analyzing
It's been just over a month since Mom passed. And like Ben said, it would take about that long before things started to sink in and I began to feel normal again.
I feel as if I am waking up from a bad dream. It's as if I have been in a daze for the last 3 years and going through the motions of life. I am now waking up and looking around me and in a bit of shock of where I am in my life.
I made many important changes during my hazy state. I got married, quit my job, took some time off and then decided to go back to teaching. I look back on it all and it's such a blur. I know, that sounds bad considering getting married is one that list. I do remember it all, it's not that, it's just that I can't place where my head was during that time. I took things one day at at time for so long that looking back or forward just wasn't part of my routine anymore. And analyzing life is something I have done my entire life. I think during taking care of Mom that I just needed to get through each day. And if I wasn't just trying to survive each day, I was letting myself get lost in books or movies and escaping.
I know that I have not been myself for so long, that I have kind of forgotten how to be me. How to be...happy. Really happy. Not just in a good mood for the day or more accurately happy that I am not in crappy mood for the day. I used to be happy. I want to be happy again.
I feel as if I am waking up from a bad dream. It's as if I have been in a daze for the last 3 years and going through the motions of life. I am now waking up and looking around me and in a bit of shock of where I am in my life.
I made many important changes during my hazy state. I got married, quit my job, took some time off and then decided to go back to teaching. I look back on it all and it's such a blur. I know, that sounds bad considering getting married is one that list. I do remember it all, it's not that, it's just that I can't place where my head was during that time. I took things one day at at time for so long that looking back or forward just wasn't part of my routine anymore. And analyzing life is something I have done my entire life. I think during taking care of Mom that I just needed to get through each day. And if I wasn't just trying to survive each day, I was letting myself get lost in books or movies and escaping.
I know that I have not been myself for so long, that I have kind of forgotten how to be me. How to be...happy. Really happy. Not just in a good mood for the day or more accurately happy that I am not in crappy mood for the day. I used to be happy. I want to be happy again.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The Letting Go: Chapter 4-Stress Relief
Most of my life I considered myself to be very self-sufficient, calm and possessing the ability to deal with stress in a healthy way. As I get older and actually have major life issues that require me to use these skills, I realize that this is not who I am. Maybe it is that up until recently I did not have any major life crashes to deal with, just others and their crashes. I think when the trauma is happening to someone close to me I am an amazing care-giver and problem-solver. When the trauma is my own, however, I do not handle it well.
In the moment of the chaos I am good. I am organized and plan well. I can knock that shit out. After the chaos has hit, the stress drops down on me and I collapse. Depression. Anxiety. Not sure what all plagues me. I just know that I am not myself and have not been myself for several years.
The first thing I think of is my husband, Ben. When we met and for a couple years after, I was this happy, fun-loving, and outgoing woman. I had a lot of energy. I went out with friends and was almost always in a smiling and happy mood. I can't even picture that person anymore. I want her back.
The social person that I was during that time is not typical of me. I am an introvert at heart that has had several rounds of major social eras in my life. I think Ben knows this and is just fine with that. It's the other part that I know is very hard for him.
With Mom now gone a huge part of my stress has an escape route at the end of the tunnel. I worried about Mom on an hourly basis. It's was exhausting and terrifying. I have gotten to the point that I do not know how to live any other way. I wake up each morning thinking that that stress is still there. That I need to think about what to do next for her.
It is going to take some time for me to fully grieve and let go of all of that stress and worry. Added into that my new teaching gig and all that comes with it, I am a mess.
I slept until 7pm tonight. Not sure what time I went to sleep last night, midnight maybe. I woke up a couple of times and was up for about half an hour. When I finally got up for good at 7 I was so confused. What day was it? What time was it? What did I miss? Ben had left and I had no clue, didn't hear a thing. We are leaving for NOLA Sunday and had a plan of attack to prepare. He had gone off to do the laundry part of the plan. I was supposed to help. I finally found my phone and figured out what day it was. I felt awful that I wasn't there to help fold. In the grand scheme of things I know that this isn't a huge deal at all. He just wants me to relax and get some rest. But, for me, this tiny little problem was the straw that broke the stressed girl's back. I lost it. I broke down and cried for 15 minutes. It was the hard, full body, heart-wrenching cry that when you are done you are exhausted.
I clearly needed that big fat cry. I felt better afterwards.
Ben often reminds me that it is going to take some time for me to let go of all the stress. He is right. This vacation will be a good start for me. And after vacation I am hoping I can start off on the right foot at school. As much as you can after a holiday break, it's not exactly he same as summer break. I also hope that I can start off on the right foot for me and for Ben.
I think about going to therapy. I have even done some research on therapists. I wonder if I can get through this on my own or if I even should try. I haven't made a decision yet on that topic. I just know that if I am not invested in the therapy and WANT to be there, I shouldn't go. I will say, that I am leaning that way more and more each day. It's not that I have an aversion to therapy, I want to be a therapist after all. I just don't think I should jump into it with half a heart.
Meanwhile, I am going to focus on what is in front of me. Like, doing the dishes that are piled up right now and vacuuming the dog hair that has accumulated. It's gross.
I will worry about the rest later.
In the moment of the chaos I am good. I am organized and plan well. I can knock that shit out. After the chaos has hit, the stress drops down on me and I collapse. Depression. Anxiety. Not sure what all plagues me. I just know that I am not myself and have not been myself for several years.
The first thing I think of is my husband, Ben. When we met and for a couple years after, I was this happy, fun-loving, and outgoing woman. I had a lot of energy. I went out with friends and was almost always in a smiling and happy mood. I can't even picture that person anymore. I want her back.
The social person that I was during that time is not typical of me. I am an introvert at heart that has had several rounds of major social eras in my life. I think Ben knows this and is just fine with that. It's the other part that I know is very hard for him.
With Mom now gone a huge part of my stress has an escape route at the end of the tunnel. I worried about Mom on an hourly basis. It's was exhausting and terrifying. I have gotten to the point that I do not know how to live any other way. I wake up each morning thinking that that stress is still there. That I need to think about what to do next for her.
It is going to take some time for me to fully grieve and let go of all of that stress and worry. Added into that my new teaching gig and all that comes with it, I am a mess.
I slept until 7pm tonight. Not sure what time I went to sleep last night, midnight maybe. I woke up a couple of times and was up for about half an hour. When I finally got up for good at 7 I was so confused. What day was it? What time was it? What did I miss? Ben had left and I had no clue, didn't hear a thing. We are leaving for NOLA Sunday and had a plan of attack to prepare. He had gone off to do the laundry part of the plan. I was supposed to help. I finally found my phone and figured out what day it was. I felt awful that I wasn't there to help fold. In the grand scheme of things I know that this isn't a huge deal at all. He just wants me to relax and get some rest. But, for me, this tiny little problem was the straw that broke the stressed girl's back. I lost it. I broke down and cried for 15 minutes. It was the hard, full body, heart-wrenching cry that when you are done you are exhausted.
I clearly needed that big fat cry. I felt better afterwards.
Ben often reminds me that it is going to take some time for me to let go of all the stress. He is right. This vacation will be a good start for me. And after vacation I am hoping I can start off on the right foot at school. As much as you can after a holiday break, it's not exactly he same as summer break. I also hope that I can start off on the right foot for me and for Ben.
I think about going to therapy. I have even done some research on therapists. I wonder if I can get through this on my own or if I even should try. I haven't made a decision yet on that topic. I just know that if I am not invested in the therapy and WANT to be there, I shouldn't go. I will say, that I am leaning that way more and more each day. It's not that I have an aversion to therapy, I want to be a therapist after all. I just don't think I should jump into it with half a heart.
Meanwhile, I am going to focus on what is in front of me. Like, doing the dishes that are piled up right now and vacuuming the dog hair that has accumulated. It's gross.
I will worry about the rest later.
Friday, December 18, 2015
The Letting Go: Chapter 3-Friendship
Sincere and unconditional friendship is a rare find. I am lucky to have found it several times. The most important being Mom.
Since Mom got sick in the fall of 2012 I have thought so much about my childhood and how Mom is such a large part of who I am. I lived with her unit l was 25 in the house on Spring St. The last few years it was just the two of us, and Emily there for a while too. We were best friends. And just like my friendships with Emily and Erin, we are so different. This made the friendship all the more interesting and valuable to me.
I can remember realizing Mom was my best friend as early on as 10 or so.
I was lucky enough to be able to attend Camp Tecumseh each summer as well as take vacations with her. Dad was working summers at the golf academy then, Lynn was grown and out of the house, Paul went with us a few times until he grew out of the 'family vacation' thing too. We always drove to somewhere on the east coast. Usually visiting historical locations (Jamestown, Williamsburg, etc), two summers we spent in Ogunquit, Maine, and one summer to Canada when I was eighteen after graduating from high school. There were also weekend trips here and there.
It was always just the two of us for two weeks. Driving, talking, and visiting some amazing places. It helped to create a love of the road trip as well as history...and of course a wonderful friendship with an amazing woman.
It was during one of these trips that I realized she was my best friend. I was around ten or so. We went to Williamsburg. We had a wonderful day and had just returned from dinner and a play. Both of us tired and ready for bed, we quickly hit the pillows turning the TV to whatever show closest to a mystery we could find. As we both laid there chatting about the day, I realized we weren't talking just as mother and daughter. We were talking as friends. I knew even then I was lucky to have this relationship with my Mother.
Being much younger than my siblings I often felt like an only child. My sister is 11 years older and my brother 8. My brother took care of me often when I was little, I looked up to him. My sister and I struggled off and on to have a traditional relationship, but managed to get along until I was well into adulthood before things crashed and burned. I spent my adolescence and teen years pretty much with just Mom and Dad. Being the youngest and the only one left in the house allowed for a different relationship with my parents than I think my siblings had. My parents were also different by this time as well. Dad and I got along just fine, but he never really knew who I was completely.
Mom was a private person and very focused. She always worked hard, and was responsible for the finances and planning. She never really let loose in her life, she played her life pretty straight. She had a goal. She put herself through school. When she married Dad and had a family she wanted a house and not to be plagued with money problems as her family was. She reached her goal. Mom did well for herself and for us. There were tough times, but no one ever went without and Mom and Dad provided a nice home for us from the start.
When I hit my early 20s I found the bar scene. And it loved me. Even though she was very straight laced and did not necessarily approve of the 'party' lifestyle, she had a very open mind when it came to my life. She knew I was responsible and could take care of myself. She actually told me she admired my ability to let go of my inhibitions and have fun. She admired my ability to own my sexuality and my openness to love. This meant so much to me. It helped me to develop a sense of confidence and pride in my way of life and not be ashamed of it. It helped to shape me into a strong woman.
I talked with Mom often about how I appreciated this acceptance from her and her fantastic sense of humor that went along with it. She knew how important it was to me that she know every part of my life. I never hid anything from her, except a little during my teenage years, but came clean soon after. When she told me she loved me and nothing I did could change that...I believed it.
I know that open mind comes from her. Because of this I have had amazing friendships and relationships over the years. I have my own flaws and can be stubborn, but inside I am completely aware of myself and this allows me to have a empathy for others.
I can say with complete certainty that I would not me who I am today if it was not for her.
Thank you, Mom.
Since Mom got sick in the fall of 2012 I have thought so much about my childhood and how Mom is such a large part of who I am. I lived with her unit l was 25 in the house on Spring St. The last few years it was just the two of us, and Emily there for a while too. We were best friends. And just like my friendships with Emily and Erin, we are so different. This made the friendship all the more interesting and valuable to me.
I can remember realizing Mom was my best friend as early on as 10 or so.
I was lucky enough to be able to attend Camp Tecumseh each summer as well as take vacations with her. Dad was working summers at the golf academy then, Lynn was grown and out of the house, Paul went with us a few times until he grew out of the 'family vacation' thing too. We always drove to somewhere on the east coast. Usually visiting historical locations (Jamestown, Williamsburg, etc), two summers we spent in Ogunquit, Maine, and one summer to Canada when I was eighteen after graduating from high school. There were also weekend trips here and there.
It was always just the two of us for two weeks. Driving, talking, and visiting some amazing places. It helped to create a love of the road trip as well as history...and of course a wonderful friendship with an amazing woman.
It was during one of these trips that I realized she was my best friend. I was around ten or so. We went to Williamsburg. We had a wonderful day and had just returned from dinner and a play. Both of us tired and ready for bed, we quickly hit the pillows turning the TV to whatever show closest to a mystery we could find. As we both laid there chatting about the day, I realized we weren't talking just as mother and daughter. We were talking as friends. I knew even then I was lucky to have this relationship with my Mother.
Being much younger than my siblings I often felt like an only child. My sister is 11 years older and my brother 8. My brother took care of me often when I was little, I looked up to him. My sister and I struggled off and on to have a traditional relationship, but managed to get along until I was well into adulthood before things crashed and burned. I spent my adolescence and teen years pretty much with just Mom and Dad. Being the youngest and the only one left in the house allowed for a different relationship with my parents than I think my siblings had. My parents were also different by this time as well. Dad and I got along just fine, but he never really knew who I was completely.
Mom was a private person and very focused. She always worked hard, and was responsible for the finances and planning. She never really let loose in her life, she played her life pretty straight. She had a goal. She put herself through school. When she married Dad and had a family she wanted a house and not to be plagued with money problems as her family was. She reached her goal. Mom did well for herself and for us. There were tough times, but no one ever went without and Mom and Dad provided a nice home for us from the start.
When I hit my early 20s I found the bar scene. And it loved me. Even though she was very straight laced and did not necessarily approve of the 'party' lifestyle, she had a very open mind when it came to my life. She knew I was responsible and could take care of myself. She actually told me she admired my ability to let go of my inhibitions and have fun. She admired my ability to own my sexuality and my openness to love. This meant so much to me. It helped me to develop a sense of confidence and pride in my way of life and not be ashamed of it. It helped to shape me into a strong woman.
I talked with Mom often about how I appreciated this acceptance from her and her fantastic sense of humor that went along with it. She knew how important it was to me that she know every part of my life. I never hid anything from her, except a little during my teenage years, but came clean soon after. When she told me she loved me and nothing I did could change that...I believed it.
I know that open mind comes from her. Because of this I have had amazing friendships and relationships over the years. I have my own flaws and can be stubborn, but inside I am completely aware of myself and this allows me to have a empathy for others.
I can say with complete certainty that I would not me who I am today if it was not for her.
Thank you, Mom.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
The Letting Go: Chapter 2-Plan & Advocate
There is so much that goes into being a caregiver. Let's focus on the financial and medical stuff today, shall we?
I'm on a roll tonight, yo!
.
From the beginning with Mom I was very organized. Research, research, and more research.
Visiting facilities.
Reading.
Talking to people who had experience.
All along the way I was prepared for the challenges I'd hit that I could actually control. My OCD have everything labeled and organized. I couldn't control Alz, but I could control the paper work, money and planning. Mom did well having things ready for me.
When I first decided on Autumn Glen (now Bloom Senior Living), I had 2 requirements that I needed met before I'd even consider it.
1. Pets allowed.
2. Mom would be able to stay when the disease progressed.
About a year and a half into Mom's stay at AG they acquired an entirely new administrative staff. Now, I know why. When Mom started to initially show signs of needing extra care I found out that what I was promised was not true in any way shape or form, she would NOT be able to stay there. They would not provide any kind of Memory Care. I was floored. I was apparently told what I wanted to hear. And I asked 4 or 5 times. I understood their position, but still, geez. Don't get me wrong, AG was fantastic. They helped take care of Bea so she could stay with Mom longer, they put up with a lot. But, for $3200 a month, they BETTER! I was NOT prepared for this at all. Memory care is expensive!!
So there I was stuck trying to get things planned for her right when she was on the brink of needing the new plan. Great.
I learned about Medicaid, met with a lawyer, talked with several facilities. I was so nervous about her qualifying for Medicaid. It was all very stressful. And with a new very demanding teaching gig...I thought I was going to have a breakdown. So much was happening at once.
In the end, I never had to complete any of the things I was preparing for. But, I learned some very valuable pieces of information.
What I learned:
1. LTC Insurance- Get long term care insurance when you turn 50. SERIOUSLY! Medicare doesn't cover any custodial care, and qualifying for Medicaid is hard, as well as lots of places not accepting Medicaid vouchers for LTC or Memory Care. SO DO IT! NO JOKE. Mom was very prepared, but when she was planning for the future, LTC insurance wasn't in the mainstream like it is now. For Vets things are easier on that front. Just FYI.
2. Choosing facilities-Be an advocate for your loved one when choosing hospitals and rehab. Do not let facilities and professional caregivers push you into anything. AG wanted to send Mom to Anderson for the rehab facility. Fine. No problem. I checked it out and it had amazing reviews and records. Great. But, there HAD to be one here in Indy that was just as good, right? I should have pushed. Being in Anderson for rehab meant she was sent to the Anderson hospital. Which was crazy amazing too, but FAR. Which could have meant I didn't sleep much or make it there if there was a problem. It all turned out just fine, but it would have been better for Mom if her rehab was closer. I could have visited more often.
3. DNR-Make your wishes known for yourself. If you want to NOT be treated for things like pneumonia and other complications that arise from dementia and you want to go naturally, BE CLEAR. Have it in your living will. There is more to it then just having a DNR. Have ONE trusted person be your POA, Medical Rep, etc. The more that are involved, the more likely your wishes will NOT be honored. I was told that what I did for Mom was very rare. Many families do not honor the wishes and keep their loved one around for weeks or months. That's so sad.
4. Advocate for DNR-As the caregiver, you must advocate for said wishes of your loved one. If there is a DNR and your loved one does not want IV hydration or medical interventions...tell EVERYONE. Tell them 3 times. You would think that everyone would read the paperwork, living will, etc. Nope. They don't. So be clear. I did not tell the rehab facility. Of course, I didn't realize we were at that point, but I should have anyway. Push to have whatever your loved one wants. Do NOT let anyone tell you what is best. And if it's in writing, then there are no worries about anyone fighting it in the medical facility. The hospital case worker and nurses are who you want on your side. Same goes with family. You do what's right. Period.
5. Be clear about how you want things handled once you kick the bucket (Mom's favorite phrase on the subject of death), put it in your Will. Cremation, burial, where, etc. Again, have ONE person responsible for this. Be clear. Mom did not have this information in her paperwork. Which shocked me. But, I am sure she never expected anyone to fight her wanting to be cremated, especially her own child. I mean it was kind of a joke, she said for YEARS that she would come back and HAUNT us if we were to try to bury her and have a funeral. Dad wanted the same too. There isn't even a headstone on the family plots in MC. Which I will get around to doing next year. My sister fought this. Thankfully my brother is awesome. Law requires majority signatures from children. Many funeral homes will not go forward with plans if one of the siblings is not only not signing, but expressly fighting it.
I had to get a court order.
Yep. Really.
I got very lucky having the most amazing lawyer referred to me and it all was done within 16 hours of finding out there was an issue AND for a great price. Guess who will do our estate planning?! Yep! The funeral home was amazing too, I mean above and beyond amazing. They told me this kind of thing happens constantly and it's usually from family members that been absent and not involved in caregiving as it was in my case. It's just sad. Mom asked for ONE thing, to be cremated. I just don't understand people sometimes. Ok, most of the time.
I had to get a court order.
Yep. Really.
I got very lucky having the most amazing lawyer referred to me and it all was done within 16 hours of finding out there was an issue AND for a great price. Guess who will do our estate planning?! Yep! The funeral home was amazing too, I mean above and beyond amazing. They told me this kind of thing happens constantly and it's usually from family members that been absent and not involved in caregiving as it was in my case. It's just sad. Mom asked for ONE thing, to be cremated. I just don't understand people sometimes. Ok, most of the time.
I'm on a roll tonight, yo!
I hope that some of our struggles are helpful to you. Who knew dying would be so complicated. I have heard the horror stories from friends. But, when it's you, something clicks. You realize how seriously ridiculous it is that the government and family can complicate an already sad and stressful time. The motivations behind it all is sick. Money. Control. Whatever else, I don't know. I should have been able to just think about Mom and how much I loved her.
I am lucky to have gotten through it all quickly and do what Mom wanted all along the way.
 |
| Mom-In front of diner on 8th St. where her father was the cook |
The Official Obituary
I know most people have the funeral home write an obit, but I didn't think that was right in our case. It's not the best work I've done, but it's ok.
http://www.thenewsdispatch.
The Letting Go: Chapter 1-Grieving
There are two songs about letting go that have always haunted me (click to listen),"The Letting Go" by Melissa Etheridge and "Let Go" by Frou Frou. They have two very different meanings, letting go of a person and letting yourself break down.
There's beauty in the breakdown. Indeed.
I've lost Mom twice. Once as the dementia crept in and she was unable to remember any recent events in my life or details of my childhood. The other was when Ben and I held her hands as she took her last breath. There is definitely relief felt in the latter, for her and for me. Although I forget sometimes, there is also relief for Ben as my struggles with being Mom's caregiver were also his struggles. He was also MY caregiver, which is far from easy.
Mom passed on Thanksgiving morning at 7:40 am.
She was in her 2nd visit in a geriatric rehab facility to address her behavior issues with new medications. She was refusing meds and food often, becoming very aggressive, and clearly headed into the last stage of Alzheimer's. Mom was sent to the hospital on the Monday before Thanksgiving for dehydration, pneumonia, and a heart condition. She had become non-responsive that Monday. She did not open her eyes or talk. Since Mom did not want to be treated for things of this nature, she wanted to die naturally, it took me a day or two to get everyone at the hospital on board with her wishes. They were very surprised that I was honoring her wishes. They completely supported me. Apparently, it does not happen very often. I then quickly began to communicate with a nursing home close to me and begin the process for getting her on hospice if she qualified. She did not. However, after stopping the meds and putting her on morphine, we were basically providing the palliative care that hospice would have anyway. The posturing was scary. Even knowing all of this, I did not expect her to go so quickly.
I swear she waited for me to be on Thanksgiving Break so I wouldn't have to worry about school.
I got the call very early that morning that her respirations were down and to hurry in. After being stopped by TWO trains, we finally made it. I put on her favorite show, Agatha Christie's Poirot, Ben on one side and me on the other. We told her she could go, and she did. We were only there 10 minutes. Again, I swear she waited for us. I was so relieved for her.
And for that first week or so, I was also relieved for me. Then I woke up one morning more angry than I have been in several years. Even more angry then the time I threw (and broke) a chair, screamed at the top of my lungs and was crying hysterically because Mom was calling and calling about not being able to find her purse and I had to go back to her apartment to look for it...yeah...THAT angry. This time I took it out on Ben. At 6am. Not pretty. I figured I was just exhausted. I didn't take any time off from work. There has been so much to do for Mom's finances, school and dealing with my sister fighting the cremation...I figured I just snapped.
Then I was watching the new show Transparent on Amazon last night. Season 2. If you haven't seen it, CHECK IT OUT. Amazing. My point is, however, on the show....the mother called a couple people "Dolly." At first I wasn't sure I heard it right. When I heard it a second time, the tears came. A flood. I realized right then that I had not begun to really grieve yet. And I know that I need to grieve for many things. My sister. My brother. The rest of my family that has been non-existent for most of my life (still no word, well, 1 phone call before she passed and 1 email after from an uncle). And of course, I need to grieve for Mom, who was the only one in my family that was consistently there for me and supportive my entire life.
And to top it off I am also left with a ton of guilt that I did not do for her all that I could this past year. I was so depressed that I wasn't spending time with her like I should have been. That guilt is heavy and powerful. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know not to hang on to that guilt, process it and let it go. I'm working on it. Almost there. I'm lucky to have Ben and Emily by my side through all of this. And Paul and our 6 hour phone calls.
School has been a wonderful place for my healing as well. When the kids aren't on the verge of being thrown out a window, they are very sweet. My team and the rest of the staff are sweet as well. I have received so many great big hugs, cards, sharing of similar stories and lots of checking in on me. Several of us have agreed that being an adult just plain sucks sometimes.
I have one week before Christmas Break begins. Ben and I are headed to New Orleans to stay with Wheat and Jen-Nay. It will be great to see friends and their newly purchased home, relax without being plagued with thinking of cleaning or working. We will stay in NOLA to celebrate my 40th birthday and then head home and spend a few days with Emily and a few with the couch.
I think just realizing I have not begun to grieve is the beginning of the process. I have a lot of healing to do and a husband to give some much needed attention.
This is the beauty in the breakdown, I found it.
Funny, I owe it all to binge watching a TV show. Fantastic.
There's beauty in the breakdown. Indeed.
I've lost Mom twice. Once as the dementia crept in and she was unable to remember any recent events in my life or details of my childhood. The other was when Ben and I held her hands as she took her last breath. There is definitely relief felt in the latter, for her and for me. Although I forget sometimes, there is also relief for Ben as my struggles with being Mom's caregiver were also his struggles. He was also MY caregiver, which is far from easy.
Mom passed on Thanksgiving morning at 7:40 am.
She was in her 2nd visit in a geriatric rehab facility to address her behavior issues with new medications. She was refusing meds and food often, becoming very aggressive, and clearly headed into the last stage of Alzheimer's. Mom was sent to the hospital on the Monday before Thanksgiving for dehydration, pneumonia, and a heart condition. She had become non-responsive that Monday. She did not open her eyes or talk. Since Mom did not want to be treated for things of this nature, she wanted to die naturally, it took me a day or two to get everyone at the hospital on board with her wishes. They were very surprised that I was honoring her wishes. They completely supported me. Apparently, it does not happen very often. I then quickly began to communicate with a nursing home close to me and begin the process for getting her on hospice if she qualified. She did not. However, after stopping the meds and putting her on morphine, we were basically providing the palliative care that hospice would have anyway. The posturing was scary. Even knowing all of this, I did not expect her to go so quickly.
I swear she waited for me to be on Thanksgiving Break so I wouldn't have to worry about school.
I got the call very early that morning that her respirations were down and to hurry in. After being stopped by TWO trains, we finally made it. I put on her favorite show, Agatha Christie's Poirot, Ben on one side and me on the other. We told her she could go, and she did. We were only there 10 minutes. Again, I swear she waited for us. I was so relieved for her.
And for that first week or so, I was also relieved for me. Then I woke up one morning more angry than I have been in several years. Even more angry then the time I threw (and broke) a chair, screamed at the top of my lungs and was crying hysterically because Mom was calling and calling about not being able to find her purse and I had to go back to her apartment to look for it...yeah...THAT angry. This time I took it out on Ben. At 6am. Not pretty. I figured I was just exhausted. I didn't take any time off from work. There has been so much to do for Mom's finances, school and dealing with my sister fighting the cremation...I figured I just snapped.
Then I was watching the new show Transparent on Amazon last night. Season 2. If you haven't seen it, CHECK IT OUT. Amazing. My point is, however, on the show....the mother called a couple people "Dolly." At first I wasn't sure I heard it right. When I heard it a second time, the tears came. A flood. I realized right then that I had not begun to really grieve yet. And I know that I need to grieve for many things. My sister. My brother. The rest of my family that has been non-existent for most of my life (still no word, well, 1 phone call before she passed and 1 email after from an uncle). And of course, I need to grieve for Mom, who was the only one in my family that was consistently there for me and supportive my entire life.
And to top it off I am also left with a ton of guilt that I did not do for her all that I could this past year. I was so depressed that I wasn't spending time with her like I should have been. That guilt is heavy and powerful. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know not to hang on to that guilt, process it and let it go. I'm working on it. Almost there. I'm lucky to have Ben and Emily by my side through all of this. And Paul and our 6 hour phone calls.
School has been a wonderful place for my healing as well. When the kids aren't on the verge of being thrown out a window, they are very sweet. My team and the rest of the staff are sweet as well. I have received so many great big hugs, cards, sharing of similar stories and lots of checking in on me. Several of us have agreed that being an adult just plain sucks sometimes.
I have one week before Christmas Break begins. Ben and I are headed to New Orleans to stay with Wheat and Jen-Nay. It will be great to see friends and their newly purchased home, relax without being plagued with thinking of cleaning or working. We will stay in NOLA to celebrate my 40th birthday and then head home and spend a few days with Emily and a few with the couch.
I think just realizing I have not begun to grieve is the beginning of the process. I have a lot of healing to do and a husband to give some much needed attention.
This is the beauty in the breakdown, I found it.
Funny, I owe it all to binge watching a TV show. Fantastic.
 |
| Emily's Wedding Day |
 |
| Ben singing "Mother-In-Law" to Mom. HILARIOUS! Click Me |
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Another Brick in the Wall
Maybe kids should all be treated like soldiers and robots, we'd get a lot more done!
Yes, I'm kidding.
HOWEVER, I do think they are all nuts. Especially 2nd Graders. Now I know why they all came to middle school a hot mess and not knowing anything. They waste so much time with petty issues. It's driving me mad.
AND THE WHINING AND MOANING! OH, FOR CHRISSAKES! They sound like cows. It's crazy town, I tell ya. Today was clearly one of the worst days I have had with my 20 lovely 2nd graders. Yes, 20. Awesome number of students. Still a hot mess. I think if I had 10 they'd be a mess.
We have good days too, but more often than not we have bad days. They just cannot focus or follow simple directions. Meet me on the carpet, push in chairs and line up, open book to page blah blah....nope. Can't do it.
I make sure to give plenty of breaks so they aren't bogged down and full of energy.
I communicate with parents EVERY night. Class Dojo has been great. I can send messages and have all but 1 student on Dojo.
I have only known them 2 months, so guess what...it's coming from home. It's not me. This is learned behavior. And it's absolutely ridiculous.
I am doing my best to breathe and make sure that I am talking to them calmly, but when I hear administration snapping on them and putting them in their place I realize they are doing that for a reason. Some kids do not respond at all to the stern voice, some kids all they respond to is the stern voice.
It's all so complicated and confusing. Dealing with humans in any capacity, especially in a group, is complicated. We are all so different.
Vent. Over.
Ugh.
Yes, I'm kidding.
HOWEVER, I do think they are all nuts. Especially 2nd Graders. Now I know why they all came to middle school a hot mess and not knowing anything. They waste so much time with petty issues. It's driving me mad.
AND THE WHINING AND MOANING! OH, FOR CHRISSAKES! They sound like cows. It's crazy town, I tell ya. Today was clearly one of the worst days I have had with my 20 lovely 2nd graders. Yes, 20. Awesome number of students. Still a hot mess. I think if I had 10 they'd be a mess.
We have good days too, but more often than not we have bad days. They just cannot focus or follow simple directions. Meet me on the carpet, push in chairs and line up, open book to page blah blah....nope. Can't do it.
I make sure to give plenty of breaks so they aren't bogged down and full of energy.
I communicate with parents EVERY night. Class Dojo has been great. I can send messages and have all but 1 student on Dojo.
I have only known them 2 months, so guess what...it's coming from home. It's not me. This is learned behavior. And it's absolutely ridiculous.
I am doing my best to breathe and make sure that I am talking to them calmly, but when I hear administration snapping on them and putting them in their place I realize they are doing that for a reason. Some kids do not respond at all to the stern voice, some kids all they respond to is the stern voice.
It's all so complicated and confusing. Dealing with humans in any capacity, especially in a group, is complicated. We are all so different.
Vent. Over.
Ugh.
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