There's beauty in the breakdown. Indeed.
I've lost Mom twice. Once as the dementia crept in and she was unable to remember any recent events in my life or details of my childhood. The other was when Ben and I held her hands as she took her last breath. There is definitely relief felt in the latter, for her and for me. Although I forget sometimes, there is also relief for Ben as my struggles with being Mom's caregiver were also his struggles. He was also MY caregiver, which is far from easy.
Mom passed on Thanksgiving morning at 7:40 am.
She was in her 2nd visit in a geriatric rehab facility to address her behavior issues with new medications. She was refusing meds and food often, becoming very aggressive, and clearly headed into the last stage of Alzheimer's. Mom was sent to the hospital on the Monday before Thanksgiving for dehydration, pneumonia, and a heart condition. She had become non-responsive that Monday. She did not open her eyes or talk. Since Mom did not want to be treated for things of this nature, she wanted to die naturally, it took me a day or two to get everyone at the hospital on board with her wishes. They were very surprised that I was honoring her wishes. They completely supported me. Apparently, it does not happen very often. I then quickly began to communicate with a nursing home close to me and begin the process for getting her on hospice if she qualified. She did not. However, after stopping the meds and putting her on morphine, we were basically providing the palliative care that hospice would have anyway. The posturing was scary. Even knowing all of this, I did not expect her to go so quickly.
I swear she waited for me to be on Thanksgiving Break so I wouldn't have to worry about school.
I got the call very early that morning that her respirations were down and to hurry in. After being stopped by TWO trains, we finally made it. I put on her favorite show, Agatha Christie's Poirot, Ben on one side and me on the other. We told her she could go, and she did. We were only there 10 minutes. Again, I swear she waited for us. I was so relieved for her.
And for that first week or so, I was also relieved for me. Then I woke up one morning more angry than I have been in several years. Even more angry then the time I threw (and broke) a chair, screamed at the top of my lungs and was crying hysterically because Mom was calling and calling about not being able to find her purse and I had to go back to her apartment to look for it...yeah...THAT angry. This time I took it out on Ben. At 6am. Not pretty. I figured I was just exhausted. I didn't take any time off from work. There has been so much to do for Mom's finances, school and dealing with my sister fighting the cremation...I figured I just snapped.
Then I was watching the new show Transparent on Amazon last night. Season 2. If you haven't seen it, CHECK IT OUT. Amazing. My point is, however, on the show....the mother called a couple people "Dolly." At first I wasn't sure I heard it right. When I heard it a second time, the tears came. A flood. I realized right then that I had not begun to really grieve yet. And I know that I need to grieve for many things. My sister. My brother. The rest of my family that has been non-existent for most of my life (still no word, well, 1 phone call before she passed and 1 email after from an uncle). And of course, I need to grieve for Mom, who was the only one in my family that was consistently there for me and supportive my entire life.
And to top it off I am also left with a ton of guilt that I did not do for her all that I could this past year. I was so depressed that I wasn't spending time with her like I should have been. That guilt is heavy and powerful. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know not to hang on to that guilt, process it and let it go. I'm working on it. Almost there. I'm lucky to have Ben and Emily by my side through all of this. And Paul and our 6 hour phone calls.
School has been a wonderful place for my healing as well. When the kids aren't on the verge of being thrown out a window, they are very sweet. My team and the rest of the staff are sweet as well. I have received so many great big hugs, cards, sharing of similar stories and lots of checking in on me. Several of us have agreed that being an adult just plain sucks sometimes.
I have one week before Christmas Break begins. Ben and I are headed to New Orleans to stay with Wheat and Jen-Nay. It will be great to see friends and their newly purchased home, relax without being plagued with thinking of cleaning or working. We will stay in NOLA to celebrate my 40th birthday and then head home and spend a few days with Emily and a few with the couch.
I think just realizing I have not begun to grieve is the beginning of the process. I have a lot of healing to do and a husband to give some much needed attention.
This is the beauty in the breakdown, I found it.
Funny, I owe it all to binge watching a TV show. Fantastic.
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| Emily's Wedding Day |
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| Ben singing "Mother-In-Law" to Mom. HILARIOUS! Click Me |
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