Most of my life I considered myself to be very self-sufficient, calm and possessing the ability to deal with stress in a healthy way. As I get older and actually have major life issues that require me to use these skills, I realize that this is not who I am. Maybe it is that up until recently I did not have any major life crashes to deal with, just others and their crashes. I think when the trauma is happening to someone close to me I am an amazing care-giver and problem-solver. When the trauma is my own, however, I do not handle it well.
In the moment of the chaos I am good. I am organized and plan well. I can knock that shit out. After the chaos has hit, the stress drops down on me and I collapse. Depression. Anxiety. Not sure what all plagues me. I just know that I am not myself and have not been myself for several years.
The first thing I think of is my husband, Ben. When we met and for a couple years after, I was this happy, fun-loving, and outgoing woman. I had a lot of energy. I went out with friends and was almost always in a smiling and happy mood. I can't even picture that person anymore. I want her back.
The social person that I was during that time is not typical of me. I am an introvert at heart that has had several rounds of major social eras in my life. I think Ben knows this and is just fine with that. It's the other part that I know is very hard for him.
With Mom now gone a huge part of my stress has an escape route at the end of the tunnel. I worried about Mom on an hourly basis. It's was exhausting and terrifying. I have gotten to the point that I do not know how to live any other way. I wake up each morning thinking that that stress is still there. That I need to think about what to do next for her.
It is going to take some time for me to fully grieve and let go of all of that stress and worry. Added into that my new teaching gig and all that comes with it, I am a mess.
I slept until 7pm tonight. Not sure what time I went to sleep last night, midnight maybe. I woke up a couple of times and was up for about half an hour. When I finally got up for good at 7 I was so confused. What day was it? What time was it? What did I miss? Ben had left and I had no clue, didn't hear a thing. We are leaving for NOLA Sunday and had a plan of attack to prepare. He had gone off to do the laundry part of the plan. I was supposed to help. I finally found my phone and figured out what day it was. I felt awful that I wasn't there to help fold. In the grand scheme of things I know that this isn't a huge deal at all. He just wants me to relax and get some rest. But, for me, this tiny little problem was the straw that broke the stressed girl's back. I lost it. I broke down and cried for 15 minutes. It was the hard, full body, heart-wrenching cry that when you are done you are exhausted.
I clearly needed that big fat cry. I felt better afterwards.
Ben often reminds me that it is going to take some time for me to let go of all the stress. He is right. This vacation will be a good start for me. And after vacation I am hoping I can start off on the right foot at school. As much as you can after a holiday break, it's not exactly he same as summer break. I also hope that I can start off on the right foot for me and for Ben.
I think about going to therapy. I have even done some research on therapists. I wonder if I can get through this on my own or if I even should try. I haven't made a decision yet on that topic. I just know that if I am not invested in the therapy and WANT to be there, I shouldn't go. I will say, that I am leaning that way more and more each day. It's not that I have an aversion to therapy, I want to be a therapist after all. I just don't think I should jump into it with half a heart.
Meanwhile, I am going to focus on what is in front of me. Like, doing the dishes that are piled up right now and vacuuming the dog hair that has accumulated. It's gross.
I will worry about the rest later.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
The Letting Go: Chapter 3-Friendship
Sincere and unconditional friendship is a rare find. I am lucky to have found it several times. The most important being Mom.
Since Mom got sick in the fall of 2012 I have thought so much about my childhood and how Mom is such a large part of who I am. I lived with her unit l was 25 in the house on Spring St. The last few years it was just the two of us, and Emily there for a while too. We were best friends. And just like my friendships with Emily and Erin, we are so different. This made the friendship all the more interesting and valuable to me.
I can remember realizing Mom was my best friend as early on as 10 or so.
I was lucky enough to be able to attend Camp Tecumseh each summer as well as take vacations with her. Dad was working summers at the golf academy then, Lynn was grown and out of the house, Paul went with us a few times until he grew out of the 'family vacation' thing too. We always drove to somewhere on the east coast. Usually visiting historical locations (Jamestown, Williamsburg, etc), two summers we spent in Ogunquit, Maine, and one summer to Canada when I was eighteen after graduating from high school. There were also weekend trips here and there.
It was always just the two of us for two weeks. Driving, talking, and visiting some amazing places. It helped to create a love of the road trip as well as history...and of course a wonderful friendship with an amazing woman.
It was during one of these trips that I realized she was my best friend. I was around ten or so. We went to Williamsburg. We had a wonderful day and had just returned from dinner and a play. Both of us tired and ready for bed, we quickly hit the pillows turning the TV to whatever show closest to a mystery we could find. As we both laid there chatting about the day, I realized we weren't talking just as mother and daughter. We were talking as friends. I knew even then I was lucky to have this relationship with my Mother.
Being much younger than my siblings I often felt like an only child. My sister is 11 years older and my brother 8. My brother took care of me often when I was little, I looked up to him. My sister and I struggled off and on to have a traditional relationship, but managed to get along until I was well into adulthood before things crashed and burned. I spent my adolescence and teen years pretty much with just Mom and Dad. Being the youngest and the only one left in the house allowed for a different relationship with my parents than I think my siblings had. My parents were also different by this time as well. Dad and I got along just fine, but he never really knew who I was completely.
Mom was a private person and very focused. She always worked hard, and was responsible for the finances and planning. She never really let loose in her life, she played her life pretty straight. She had a goal. She put herself through school. When she married Dad and had a family she wanted a house and not to be plagued with money problems as her family was. She reached her goal. Mom did well for herself and for us. There were tough times, but no one ever went without and Mom and Dad provided a nice home for us from the start.
When I hit my early 20s I found the bar scene. And it loved me. Even though she was very straight laced and did not necessarily approve of the 'party' lifestyle, she had a very open mind when it came to my life. She knew I was responsible and could take care of myself. She actually told me she admired my ability to let go of my inhibitions and have fun. She admired my ability to own my sexuality and my openness to love. This meant so much to me. It helped me to develop a sense of confidence and pride in my way of life and not be ashamed of it. It helped to shape me into a strong woman.
I talked with Mom often about how I appreciated this acceptance from her and her fantastic sense of humor that went along with it. She knew how important it was to me that she know every part of my life. I never hid anything from her, except a little during my teenage years, but came clean soon after. When she told me she loved me and nothing I did could change that...I believed it.
I know that open mind comes from her. Because of this I have had amazing friendships and relationships over the years. I have my own flaws and can be stubborn, but inside I am completely aware of myself and this allows me to have a empathy for others.
I can say with complete certainty that I would not me who I am today if it was not for her.
Thank you, Mom.
Since Mom got sick in the fall of 2012 I have thought so much about my childhood and how Mom is such a large part of who I am. I lived with her unit l was 25 in the house on Spring St. The last few years it was just the two of us, and Emily there for a while too. We were best friends. And just like my friendships with Emily and Erin, we are so different. This made the friendship all the more interesting and valuable to me.
I can remember realizing Mom was my best friend as early on as 10 or so.
I was lucky enough to be able to attend Camp Tecumseh each summer as well as take vacations with her. Dad was working summers at the golf academy then, Lynn was grown and out of the house, Paul went with us a few times until he grew out of the 'family vacation' thing too. We always drove to somewhere on the east coast. Usually visiting historical locations (Jamestown, Williamsburg, etc), two summers we spent in Ogunquit, Maine, and one summer to Canada when I was eighteen after graduating from high school. There were also weekend trips here and there.
It was always just the two of us for two weeks. Driving, talking, and visiting some amazing places. It helped to create a love of the road trip as well as history...and of course a wonderful friendship with an amazing woman.
It was during one of these trips that I realized she was my best friend. I was around ten or so. We went to Williamsburg. We had a wonderful day and had just returned from dinner and a play. Both of us tired and ready for bed, we quickly hit the pillows turning the TV to whatever show closest to a mystery we could find. As we both laid there chatting about the day, I realized we weren't talking just as mother and daughter. We were talking as friends. I knew even then I was lucky to have this relationship with my Mother.
Being much younger than my siblings I often felt like an only child. My sister is 11 years older and my brother 8. My brother took care of me often when I was little, I looked up to him. My sister and I struggled off and on to have a traditional relationship, but managed to get along until I was well into adulthood before things crashed and burned. I spent my adolescence and teen years pretty much with just Mom and Dad. Being the youngest and the only one left in the house allowed for a different relationship with my parents than I think my siblings had. My parents were also different by this time as well. Dad and I got along just fine, but he never really knew who I was completely.
Mom was a private person and very focused. She always worked hard, and was responsible for the finances and planning. She never really let loose in her life, she played her life pretty straight. She had a goal. She put herself through school. When she married Dad and had a family she wanted a house and not to be plagued with money problems as her family was. She reached her goal. Mom did well for herself and for us. There were tough times, but no one ever went without and Mom and Dad provided a nice home for us from the start.
When I hit my early 20s I found the bar scene. And it loved me. Even though she was very straight laced and did not necessarily approve of the 'party' lifestyle, she had a very open mind when it came to my life. She knew I was responsible and could take care of myself. She actually told me she admired my ability to let go of my inhibitions and have fun. She admired my ability to own my sexuality and my openness to love. This meant so much to me. It helped me to develop a sense of confidence and pride in my way of life and not be ashamed of it. It helped to shape me into a strong woman.
I talked with Mom often about how I appreciated this acceptance from her and her fantastic sense of humor that went along with it. She knew how important it was to me that she know every part of my life. I never hid anything from her, except a little during my teenage years, but came clean soon after. When she told me she loved me and nothing I did could change that...I believed it.
I know that open mind comes from her. Because of this I have had amazing friendships and relationships over the years. I have my own flaws and can be stubborn, but inside I am completely aware of myself and this allows me to have a empathy for others.
I can say with complete certainty that I would not me who I am today if it was not for her.
Thank you, Mom.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
The Letting Go: Chapter 2-Plan & Advocate
There is so much that goes into being a caregiver. Let's focus on the financial and medical stuff today, shall we?
I'm on a roll tonight, yo!
.
From the beginning with Mom I was very organized. Research, research, and more research.
Visiting facilities.
Reading.
Talking to people who had experience.
All along the way I was prepared for the challenges I'd hit that I could actually control. My OCD have everything labeled and organized. I couldn't control Alz, but I could control the paper work, money and planning. Mom did well having things ready for me.
When I first decided on Autumn Glen (now Bloom Senior Living), I had 2 requirements that I needed met before I'd even consider it.
1. Pets allowed.
2. Mom would be able to stay when the disease progressed.
About a year and a half into Mom's stay at AG they acquired an entirely new administrative staff. Now, I know why. When Mom started to initially show signs of needing extra care I found out that what I was promised was not true in any way shape or form, she would NOT be able to stay there. They would not provide any kind of Memory Care. I was floored. I was apparently told what I wanted to hear. And I asked 4 or 5 times. I understood their position, but still, geez. Don't get me wrong, AG was fantastic. They helped take care of Bea so she could stay with Mom longer, they put up with a lot. But, for $3200 a month, they BETTER! I was NOT prepared for this at all. Memory care is expensive!!
So there I was stuck trying to get things planned for her right when she was on the brink of needing the new plan. Great.
I learned about Medicaid, met with a lawyer, talked with several facilities. I was so nervous about her qualifying for Medicaid. It was all very stressful. And with a new very demanding teaching gig...I thought I was going to have a breakdown. So much was happening at once.
In the end, I never had to complete any of the things I was preparing for. But, I learned some very valuable pieces of information.
What I learned:
1. LTC Insurance- Get long term care insurance when you turn 50. SERIOUSLY! Medicare doesn't cover any custodial care, and qualifying for Medicaid is hard, as well as lots of places not accepting Medicaid vouchers for LTC or Memory Care. SO DO IT! NO JOKE. Mom was very prepared, but when she was planning for the future, LTC insurance wasn't in the mainstream like it is now. For Vets things are easier on that front. Just FYI.
2. Choosing facilities-Be an advocate for your loved one when choosing hospitals and rehab. Do not let facilities and professional caregivers push you into anything. AG wanted to send Mom to Anderson for the rehab facility. Fine. No problem. I checked it out and it had amazing reviews and records. Great. But, there HAD to be one here in Indy that was just as good, right? I should have pushed. Being in Anderson for rehab meant she was sent to the Anderson hospital. Which was crazy amazing too, but FAR. Which could have meant I didn't sleep much or make it there if there was a problem. It all turned out just fine, but it would have been better for Mom if her rehab was closer. I could have visited more often.
3. DNR-Make your wishes known for yourself. If you want to NOT be treated for things like pneumonia and other complications that arise from dementia and you want to go naturally, BE CLEAR. Have it in your living will. There is more to it then just having a DNR. Have ONE trusted person be your POA, Medical Rep, etc. The more that are involved, the more likely your wishes will NOT be honored. I was told that what I did for Mom was very rare. Many families do not honor the wishes and keep their loved one around for weeks or months. That's so sad.
4. Advocate for DNR-As the caregiver, you must advocate for said wishes of your loved one. If there is a DNR and your loved one does not want IV hydration or medical interventions...tell EVERYONE. Tell them 3 times. You would think that everyone would read the paperwork, living will, etc. Nope. They don't. So be clear. I did not tell the rehab facility. Of course, I didn't realize we were at that point, but I should have anyway. Push to have whatever your loved one wants. Do NOT let anyone tell you what is best. And if it's in writing, then there are no worries about anyone fighting it in the medical facility. The hospital case worker and nurses are who you want on your side. Same goes with family. You do what's right. Period.
5. Be clear about how you want things handled once you kick the bucket (Mom's favorite phrase on the subject of death), put it in your Will. Cremation, burial, where, etc. Again, have ONE person responsible for this. Be clear. Mom did not have this information in her paperwork. Which shocked me. But, I am sure she never expected anyone to fight her wanting to be cremated, especially her own child. I mean it was kind of a joke, she said for YEARS that she would come back and HAUNT us if we were to try to bury her and have a funeral. Dad wanted the same too. There isn't even a headstone on the family plots in MC. Which I will get around to doing next year. My sister fought this. Thankfully my brother is awesome. Law requires majority signatures from children. Many funeral homes will not go forward with plans if one of the siblings is not only not signing, but expressly fighting it.
I had to get a court order.
Yep. Really.
I got very lucky having the most amazing lawyer referred to me and it all was done within 16 hours of finding out there was an issue AND for a great price. Guess who will do our estate planning?! Yep! The funeral home was amazing too, I mean above and beyond amazing. They told me this kind of thing happens constantly and it's usually from family members that been absent and not involved in caregiving as it was in my case. It's just sad. Mom asked for ONE thing, to be cremated. I just don't understand people sometimes. Ok, most of the time.
I had to get a court order.
Yep. Really.
I got very lucky having the most amazing lawyer referred to me and it all was done within 16 hours of finding out there was an issue AND for a great price. Guess who will do our estate planning?! Yep! The funeral home was amazing too, I mean above and beyond amazing. They told me this kind of thing happens constantly and it's usually from family members that been absent and not involved in caregiving as it was in my case. It's just sad. Mom asked for ONE thing, to be cremated. I just don't understand people sometimes. Ok, most of the time.
I'm on a roll tonight, yo!
I hope that some of our struggles are helpful to you. Who knew dying would be so complicated. I have heard the horror stories from friends. But, when it's you, something clicks. You realize how seriously ridiculous it is that the government and family can complicate an already sad and stressful time. The motivations behind it all is sick. Money. Control. Whatever else, I don't know. I should have been able to just think about Mom and how much I loved her.
I am lucky to have gotten through it all quickly and do what Mom wanted all along the way.
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| Mom-In front of diner on 8th St. where her father was the cook |
The Official Obituary
I know most people have the funeral home write an obit, but I didn't think that was right in our case. It's not the best work I've done, but it's ok.
http://www.thenewsdispatch.
The Letting Go: Chapter 1-Grieving
There are two songs about letting go that have always haunted me (click to listen),"The Letting Go" by Melissa Etheridge and "Let Go" by Frou Frou. They have two very different meanings, letting go of a person and letting yourself break down.
There's beauty in the breakdown. Indeed.
I've lost Mom twice. Once as the dementia crept in and she was unable to remember any recent events in my life or details of my childhood. The other was when Ben and I held her hands as she took her last breath. There is definitely relief felt in the latter, for her and for me. Although I forget sometimes, there is also relief for Ben as my struggles with being Mom's caregiver were also his struggles. He was also MY caregiver, which is far from easy.
Mom passed on Thanksgiving morning at 7:40 am.
She was in her 2nd visit in a geriatric rehab facility to address her behavior issues with new medications. She was refusing meds and food often, becoming very aggressive, and clearly headed into the last stage of Alzheimer's. Mom was sent to the hospital on the Monday before Thanksgiving for dehydration, pneumonia, and a heart condition. She had become non-responsive that Monday. She did not open her eyes or talk. Since Mom did not want to be treated for things of this nature, she wanted to die naturally, it took me a day or two to get everyone at the hospital on board with her wishes. They were very surprised that I was honoring her wishes. They completely supported me. Apparently, it does not happen very often. I then quickly began to communicate with a nursing home close to me and begin the process for getting her on hospice if she qualified. She did not. However, after stopping the meds and putting her on morphine, we were basically providing the palliative care that hospice would have anyway. The posturing was scary. Even knowing all of this, I did not expect her to go so quickly.
I swear she waited for me to be on Thanksgiving Break so I wouldn't have to worry about school.
I got the call very early that morning that her respirations were down and to hurry in. After being stopped by TWO trains, we finally made it. I put on her favorite show, Agatha Christie's Poirot, Ben on one side and me on the other. We told her she could go, and she did. We were only there 10 minutes. Again, I swear she waited for us. I was so relieved for her.
And for that first week or so, I was also relieved for me. Then I woke up one morning more angry than I have been in several years. Even more angry then the time I threw (and broke) a chair, screamed at the top of my lungs and was crying hysterically because Mom was calling and calling about not being able to find her purse and I had to go back to her apartment to look for it...yeah...THAT angry. This time I took it out on Ben. At 6am. Not pretty. I figured I was just exhausted. I didn't take any time off from work. There has been so much to do for Mom's finances, school and dealing with my sister fighting the cremation...I figured I just snapped.
Then I was watching the new show Transparent on Amazon last night. Season 2. If you haven't seen it, CHECK IT OUT. Amazing. My point is, however, on the show....the mother called a couple people "Dolly." At first I wasn't sure I heard it right. When I heard it a second time, the tears came. A flood. I realized right then that I had not begun to really grieve yet. And I know that I need to grieve for many things. My sister. My brother. The rest of my family that has been non-existent for most of my life (still no word, well, 1 phone call before she passed and 1 email after from an uncle). And of course, I need to grieve for Mom, who was the only one in my family that was consistently there for me and supportive my entire life.
And to top it off I am also left with a ton of guilt that I did not do for her all that I could this past year. I was so depressed that I wasn't spending time with her like I should have been. That guilt is heavy and powerful. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know not to hang on to that guilt, process it and let it go. I'm working on it. Almost there. I'm lucky to have Ben and Emily by my side through all of this. And Paul and our 6 hour phone calls.
School has been a wonderful place for my healing as well. When the kids aren't on the verge of being thrown out a window, they are very sweet. My team and the rest of the staff are sweet as well. I have received so many great big hugs, cards, sharing of similar stories and lots of checking in on me. Several of us have agreed that being an adult just plain sucks sometimes.
I have one week before Christmas Break begins. Ben and I are headed to New Orleans to stay with Wheat and Jen-Nay. It will be great to see friends and their newly purchased home, relax without being plagued with thinking of cleaning or working. We will stay in NOLA to celebrate my 40th birthday and then head home and spend a few days with Emily and a few with the couch.
I think just realizing I have not begun to grieve is the beginning of the process. I have a lot of healing to do and a husband to give some much needed attention.
This is the beauty in the breakdown, I found it.
Funny, I owe it all to binge watching a TV show. Fantastic.
There's beauty in the breakdown. Indeed.
I've lost Mom twice. Once as the dementia crept in and she was unable to remember any recent events in my life or details of my childhood. The other was when Ben and I held her hands as she took her last breath. There is definitely relief felt in the latter, for her and for me. Although I forget sometimes, there is also relief for Ben as my struggles with being Mom's caregiver were also his struggles. He was also MY caregiver, which is far from easy.
Mom passed on Thanksgiving morning at 7:40 am.
She was in her 2nd visit in a geriatric rehab facility to address her behavior issues with new medications. She was refusing meds and food often, becoming very aggressive, and clearly headed into the last stage of Alzheimer's. Mom was sent to the hospital on the Monday before Thanksgiving for dehydration, pneumonia, and a heart condition. She had become non-responsive that Monday. She did not open her eyes or talk. Since Mom did not want to be treated for things of this nature, she wanted to die naturally, it took me a day or two to get everyone at the hospital on board with her wishes. They were very surprised that I was honoring her wishes. They completely supported me. Apparently, it does not happen very often. I then quickly began to communicate with a nursing home close to me and begin the process for getting her on hospice if she qualified. She did not. However, after stopping the meds and putting her on morphine, we were basically providing the palliative care that hospice would have anyway. The posturing was scary. Even knowing all of this, I did not expect her to go so quickly.
I swear she waited for me to be on Thanksgiving Break so I wouldn't have to worry about school.
I got the call very early that morning that her respirations were down and to hurry in. After being stopped by TWO trains, we finally made it. I put on her favorite show, Agatha Christie's Poirot, Ben on one side and me on the other. We told her she could go, and she did. We were only there 10 minutes. Again, I swear she waited for us. I was so relieved for her.
And for that first week or so, I was also relieved for me. Then I woke up one morning more angry than I have been in several years. Even more angry then the time I threw (and broke) a chair, screamed at the top of my lungs and was crying hysterically because Mom was calling and calling about not being able to find her purse and I had to go back to her apartment to look for it...yeah...THAT angry. This time I took it out on Ben. At 6am. Not pretty. I figured I was just exhausted. I didn't take any time off from work. There has been so much to do for Mom's finances, school and dealing with my sister fighting the cremation...I figured I just snapped.
Then I was watching the new show Transparent on Amazon last night. Season 2. If you haven't seen it, CHECK IT OUT. Amazing. My point is, however, on the show....the mother called a couple people "Dolly." At first I wasn't sure I heard it right. When I heard it a second time, the tears came. A flood. I realized right then that I had not begun to really grieve yet. And I know that I need to grieve for many things. My sister. My brother. The rest of my family that has been non-existent for most of my life (still no word, well, 1 phone call before she passed and 1 email after from an uncle). And of course, I need to grieve for Mom, who was the only one in my family that was consistently there for me and supportive my entire life.
And to top it off I am also left with a ton of guilt that I did not do for her all that I could this past year. I was so depressed that I wasn't spending time with her like I should have been. That guilt is heavy and powerful. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know not to hang on to that guilt, process it and let it go. I'm working on it. Almost there. I'm lucky to have Ben and Emily by my side through all of this. And Paul and our 6 hour phone calls.
School has been a wonderful place for my healing as well. When the kids aren't on the verge of being thrown out a window, they are very sweet. My team and the rest of the staff are sweet as well. I have received so many great big hugs, cards, sharing of similar stories and lots of checking in on me. Several of us have agreed that being an adult just plain sucks sometimes.
I have one week before Christmas Break begins. Ben and I are headed to New Orleans to stay with Wheat and Jen-Nay. It will be great to see friends and their newly purchased home, relax without being plagued with thinking of cleaning or working. We will stay in NOLA to celebrate my 40th birthday and then head home and spend a few days with Emily and a few with the couch.
I think just realizing I have not begun to grieve is the beginning of the process. I have a lot of healing to do and a husband to give some much needed attention.
This is the beauty in the breakdown, I found it.
Funny, I owe it all to binge watching a TV show. Fantastic.
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| Emily's Wedding Day |
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| Ben singing "Mother-In-Law" to Mom. HILARIOUS! Click Me |
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Another Brick in the Wall
Maybe kids should all be treated like soldiers and robots, we'd get a lot more done!
Yes, I'm kidding.
HOWEVER, I do think they are all nuts. Especially 2nd Graders. Now I know why they all came to middle school a hot mess and not knowing anything. They waste so much time with petty issues. It's driving me mad.
AND THE WHINING AND MOANING! OH, FOR CHRISSAKES! They sound like cows. It's crazy town, I tell ya. Today was clearly one of the worst days I have had with my 20 lovely 2nd graders. Yes, 20. Awesome number of students. Still a hot mess. I think if I had 10 they'd be a mess.
We have good days too, but more often than not we have bad days. They just cannot focus or follow simple directions. Meet me on the carpet, push in chairs and line up, open book to page blah blah....nope. Can't do it.
I make sure to give plenty of breaks so they aren't bogged down and full of energy.
I communicate with parents EVERY night. Class Dojo has been great. I can send messages and have all but 1 student on Dojo.
I have only known them 2 months, so guess what...it's coming from home. It's not me. This is learned behavior. And it's absolutely ridiculous.
I am doing my best to breathe and make sure that I am talking to them calmly, but when I hear administration snapping on them and putting them in their place I realize they are doing that for a reason. Some kids do not respond at all to the stern voice, some kids all they respond to is the stern voice.
It's all so complicated and confusing. Dealing with humans in any capacity, especially in a group, is complicated. We are all so different.
Vent. Over.
Ugh.
Yes, I'm kidding.
HOWEVER, I do think they are all nuts. Especially 2nd Graders. Now I know why they all came to middle school a hot mess and not knowing anything. They waste so much time with petty issues. It's driving me mad.
AND THE WHINING AND MOANING! OH, FOR CHRISSAKES! They sound like cows. It's crazy town, I tell ya. Today was clearly one of the worst days I have had with my 20 lovely 2nd graders. Yes, 20. Awesome number of students. Still a hot mess. I think if I had 10 they'd be a mess.
We have good days too, but more often than not we have bad days. They just cannot focus or follow simple directions. Meet me on the carpet, push in chairs and line up, open book to page blah blah....nope. Can't do it.
I make sure to give plenty of breaks so they aren't bogged down and full of energy.
I communicate with parents EVERY night. Class Dojo has been great. I can send messages and have all but 1 student on Dojo.
I have only known them 2 months, so guess what...it's coming from home. It's not me. This is learned behavior. And it's absolutely ridiculous.
I am doing my best to breathe and make sure that I am talking to them calmly, but when I hear administration snapping on them and putting them in their place I realize they are doing that for a reason. Some kids do not respond at all to the stern voice, some kids all they respond to is the stern voice.
It's all so complicated and confusing. Dealing with humans in any capacity, especially in a group, is complicated. We are all so different.
Vent. Over.
Ugh.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Under Pressure
The latest on Mom...
She spent 2 weeks in an inpatient clinic to get her meds and a UTI under control. She is back in her AL facility and doing much better. The dementia is progressing, but she is back to a more stable daily life.
Great. Yes. However, those 2 weeks were reminiscent of the beginning of her disease. She did well in the facility, it wasn't that part. It was the stressing about how to prepare for the future. The head nurse at the AL facility was telling me that Mom would not be able to come back, we needed to find alternative care. Fuck me.
Memory care is EXPENSIVE. Dad wasn't a vet...well in Canada. Dammit. She's not rich enough and not poor enough. So, getting help to pay for the outrageously expensive care is going to be difficult. I have never felt so afraid and desperate.
It turned out that the nurse was out of line and after speaking with the general manager I found out that she could stay, for as long as she was doing well. Big, HUGE relief. But, I am still looking into Memory Care and help from a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. However, now I have the time to find the right place and plan. Whew.
The latest on me...
I'm back in the classroom. Why did I want to go back to teaching again?
Oh yeah, kids...whatever.
2nd Graders are whiny, moaning, disgusting, sweet, hilarious little creatures. It's been a long 3 months. I remember why I loved middle school so much.
I was hired 2 days before school started. I managed, with Ben's help, to fully decorate and organize my room and prepare Week 1 materials. My room looks amazing. It's a good thing I am organized and have 15 years of teaching experience to know WHAT I needed to organize, because I it was a stressful time. But, I got through it and survived.
After the initial set-up I had to learn a whole new way to teach, talk to kids and also learn a whole new curriculum, testing and gobs of paperwork. I'll hand it to Washington Township, they make sure that all the paperwork is meaningful to our everyday lives in the classroom, but that doesn't mean it's all necessary. I wish I could spend as much time really focusing on my teaching as I do the paperwork. Meh, it could be worse.
The staff is lovely, the administrative staff is lovely. For teaching these days, it's a decent gig. The cherry on top, I ACTUALLY GET PAID WHAT I AM WORTH.
I know. Crazy.
Despite all of the positive things written above, I feel this tremendous amount of pressure each day. Pressure to do well at school, at home, with my Mom. And I don't do pressure very well. I can handle a crisis well, I won't fold. But, long term stresses I fold. I shut down. I'm sure I should be in therapy or a meeting with a support group. I spend a lot of my time away from school alone with my computer. That's can't be healthy. I just enjoy the quiet and the escape so much.
Being an adult sucks. It's that simple. It's a good thing I don't want kids, there is NO way I could handle raising a human. I am just not cut out for that. I'd end up being one of those mothers that puts white wine in their Starbucks cup.
I need a vacation. Shit. I just had a year off.
I'm so screwed (smiling and giggling as I write this). Don't worry I am completely aware that my life is not that bad.
: )
She spent 2 weeks in an inpatient clinic to get her meds and a UTI under control. She is back in her AL facility and doing much better. The dementia is progressing, but she is back to a more stable daily life.
Great. Yes. However, those 2 weeks were reminiscent of the beginning of her disease. She did well in the facility, it wasn't that part. It was the stressing about how to prepare for the future. The head nurse at the AL facility was telling me that Mom would not be able to come back, we needed to find alternative care. Fuck me.
Memory care is EXPENSIVE. Dad wasn't a vet...well in Canada. Dammit. She's not rich enough and not poor enough. So, getting help to pay for the outrageously expensive care is going to be difficult. I have never felt so afraid and desperate.
It turned out that the nurse was out of line and after speaking with the general manager I found out that she could stay, for as long as she was doing well. Big, HUGE relief. But, I am still looking into Memory Care and help from a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. However, now I have the time to find the right place and plan. Whew.
The latest on me...
I'm back in the classroom. Why did I want to go back to teaching again?
Oh yeah, kids...whatever.
2nd Graders are whiny, moaning, disgusting, sweet, hilarious little creatures. It's been a long 3 months. I remember why I loved middle school so much.
I was hired 2 days before school started. I managed, with Ben's help, to fully decorate and organize my room and prepare Week 1 materials. My room looks amazing. It's a good thing I am organized and have 15 years of teaching experience to know WHAT I needed to organize, because I it was a stressful time. But, I got through it and survived.
After the initial set-up I had to learn a whole new way to teach, talk to kids and also learn a whole new curriculum, testing and gobs of paperwork. I'll hand it to Washington Township, they make sure that all the paperwork is meaningful to our everyday lives in the classroom, but that doesn't mean it's all necessary. I wish I could spend as much time really focusing on my teaching as I do the paperwork. Meh, it could be worse.
The staff is lovely, the administrative staff is lovely. For teaching these days, it's a decent gig. The cherry on top, I ACTUALLY GET PAID WHAT I AM WORTH.
I know. Crazy.
Despite all of the positive things written above, I feel this tremendous amount of pressure each day. Pressure to do well at school, at home, with my Mom. And I don't do pressure very well. I can handle a crisis well, I won't fold. But, long term stresses I fold. I shut down. I'm sure I should be in therapy or a meeting with a support group. I spend a lot of my time away from school alone with my computer. That's can't be healthy. I just enjoy the quiet and the escape so much.
Being an adult sucks. It's that simple. It's a good thing I don't want kids, there is NO way I could handle raising a human. I am just not cut out for that. I'd end up being one of those mothers that puts white wine in their Starbucks cup.
I need a vacation. Shit. I just had a year off.
I'm so screwed (smiling and giggling as I write this). Don't worry I am completely aware that my life is not that bad.
: )
Hot for Teacher
After 9 months away from the classroom I found myself back in it as of March 2015.
It is very different....different for two reasons
1. I am just an assistant. Go in. Work with kids. Leave.
2. 2nd grade. I am back in elementary again, no more middle school for me.
It is also the same. The issues happening in education are happening everywhere on some level.
It isn't just the bureaucracy, it's the kids themselves. They are different. No attention spans, no empathy...it's very scary. Ugh. I could go on and on about this, but I am tired of talking about it.
Maybe I will hit the topic up again in a different post. It does deserve some attention.
As far as what being back in the classroom/tutoring has to do with my future...I have no idea. Some days if you ask me I miss it and want to head back. Other days I don't at all. And then also some days I want to go back to school to study addiction therapy. I think if I want to go back, I would have a position pretty quickly. Is the money worth the stress? I don't know. It is harder, but I am enjoying not being a mess every night, being able to stay up until midnight and not go in until 9.
I have a life again and I love it.
HOWEVER, money is important.
Christ, I just don't know. My gut tells me that I need another year away from the classroom and then I can make a clear decision.
It is very different....different for two reasons
1. I am just an assistant. Go in. Work with kids. Leave.
2. 2nd grade. I am back in elementary again, no more middle school for me.
It is also the same. The issues happening in education are happening everywhere on some level.
It isn't just the bureaucracy, it's the kids themselves. They are different. No attention spans, no empathy...it's very scary. Ugh. I could go on and on about this, but I am tired of talking about it.
Maybe I will hit the topic up again in a different post. It does deserve some attention.
As far as what being back in the classroom/tutoring has to do with my future...I have no idea. Some days if you ask me I miss it and want to head back. Other days I don't at all. And then also some days I want to go back to school to study addiction therapy. I think if I want to go back, I would have a position pretty quickly. Is the money worth the stress? I don't know. It is harder, but I am enjoying not being a mess every night, being able to stay up until midnight and not go in until 9.
I have a life again and I love it.
HOWEVER, money is important.
Christ, I just don't know. My gut tells me that I need another year away from the classroom and then I can make a clear decision.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Time After Time
Been almost a full year since my last post. I figured that if it wasn't about Mom I shouldn't write. But, I miss it. I miss the venting, the release, the act of the sitting down to write.
So, here I am.
Then....
So much has happened in the last year. After my awful bout with the appendectomy I was ready for some chill times. That didn't quite happen.
Jan-June 2014-Planned our wedding, finding a dress took up so much time. I won't even tell you how many I ordered. The rest of it wasn't too bad. I spent lots of hours in the evening looking up stuff, ordering, creating the website, etc. Ben took over the week of the wedding to do the rest. I think the best planning part was buying all the wedding favors. We cleaned out the $1 toy section at Meijer. They have some great stuff.
April-FINALLY had an ablation. After several years of awful painful periods I finally did something to fix it. I haven't had an issue since. It's amazing.
May-Officially resigned my teaching in Indianapolis Public Schools and possibly forever. I just had enough. Enough of the stress. Jumping through hoops. Administrators that bully. And enough of turning into a robot instead of being a teacher. I went out with a bang. I wrote a very honest letter and sent it to the school board, superintendent, administration and our Attucks staff. Even though several more letters and many other resignations followed, things have not changed. At all.
June 21, 2014-I AM OFFICIALLY MARE-WEED.
The wedding was amazing. Friends and family hanging out for a week. Beautiful decorations done by my students on the deck of the Eagle Creek Sailing Club. We were not at all traditional and it as lovely. My brother Paul and his wife Wendy came into town, which just made the event for me. Everyone was so helpful and sweet. Watching all of my students come, talk, and dance gave me a wonderful feeling. It wouldn't have been the same without them there.
Mom did so well. She had fun dancing with Ben and giggling while he sang "Mother-In-Law" to her. She forgets about the wedding most of the time, but as soon as I remind her of Ben singing...she's right there.
July- We purchased THE BEAST. It has been and up and down battle with that mofo, but we LOVE it. We only had a few months to get it into shape for our Colorado trip. And that, my friend, is a whole new blog post.
August-HONEYMOON #1-TRIP TO NOLA!!
We packed our stuff and Walter and headed down to NOLA for a sweaty good time. We stayed most of the time with Jenny and Wheaties, but did take a couple of nights to ourselves at the wonderful Dauphine (thanks to Jenny for the hook-up). The salt water pool was much needed. I need to stop visiting NOLA in the summer. What is my problem? We saw lots of great music, ate AMAZING food, saw a Saints game, and even did a few tourist things. We hit a plantation, took a walk through a swamp and saw some gators, and shopped a little and even saw some Mardi Gras Indians. We didn't take many pictures, and I think I might be in one, but I can't find it.
September-HONEYMOON #2-COLORADO BABY!!
We started the trip with a few days at The Hill in Illinois for Uncle Dave's 90th birthday celebration. My first trip to the Hill. I am officially a Phelps now.
We took our time driving stayed overnight twice and eventually made it to Durango to see Randy, Erika, Samantha and Abigail. Good times. I had so much fun hanging with the girls.
Finally, a week after leaving Indy, we made it to our cabin. Quite the ride up the trail. A bit scary. And after several trips to a mechanic and quite a chunk of change later, we were able to get The Beast on Hancock Pass. The cabin was beautiful, the forest and mountains peaceful and the jeep treks quite the adventure. The dogs had a blast too. More on that trip later...lots of good stories.
After Colorado, Wheaties and Jenny convinced us to head to New Mexico for a few days of relaxation hanging' out in the hot springs and mud bath. It was LOVELY. We stayed in a quaint little motel down the road from the resort. It was so quiet and peaceful there. Sitting in a spring staring up at the stars....ahhhh.
Now......
After our return from Colorado I kind of collapsed. The last couple of years caught up with me and I became one with the couch/bed, watched a lot of movies, and slept. For the first time since I was 15 I was unemployed. I embraced my inner hermit and soaked up the laziness. The only downside has been the 15 pounds I have put on. Man, I didn't realize how much the walking I did at school really did affect my body. Damn.
I picked up a tutoring gig in November and spent the rest of the time trying to get my head back to a normal place. After all, what did I want to be when I grow up?
After several months as a hermit I still am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. BUT, I have realized it is something in Education. I am definitely not done yet. I have a great idea cooking up in my brain. I'll just use the word 'advocate' for now. Meanwhile, I am tutoring a great 6th grade girl and am about to land an Instructional Assistant position with Washington Township. Decent pay with my experience and get to work with kids, but not have all the responsibility and stress. That will give me the space to figure out the next step.
Mom is doing fine. She is about the same as she was a year ago. Stable, doesn't stress too much. And her last memory test was actually better. My goal is to spend more time with her. I haven't given her as much of me as she deserves since I have been all engrossed in my hermitness.
I am not sure what the future holds for me. I feel like I'm in a movie sometimes. The woman in her late 30s that quits her job and has no idea what to do. I can't even stick to a hobby. Which is why I think it is good for me to get back to writing. I spent most of my life taking care of my friends, family or a boyfriend. These past few years of having Ben, his family and my friends take care of me was strange. Sometimes I didn't accept the help very well. But, I think I have learned that I need to let it happen or ask for it when I need it. If I am not there yet, I know I am working on it.
I know that I typically do not handle set backs very well. That's nothing new. And I know that becoming a hermit wasn't exactly the best way to handle the abyss that is my future. But, it kind of felt good to just be selfish. These last few months are a perfect example of why I have never wanted children. I could never have binged watched so many TV shows if I had rugrats running around.
I will be back to the normal world again soon.
Maybe I can fit one more TV series in before I do...
So, here I am.
Then....
So much has happened in the last year. After my awful bout with the appendectomy I was ready for some chill times. That didn't quite happen.
Jan-June 2014-Planned our wedding, finding a dress took up so much time. I won't even tell you how many I ordered. The rest of it wasn't too bad. I spent lots of hours in the evening looking up stuff, ordering, creating the website, etc. Ben took over the week of the wedding to do the rest. I think the best planning part was buying all the wedding favors. We cleaned out the $1 toy section at Meijer. They have some great stuff.
April-FINALLY had an ablation. After several years of awful painful periods I finally did something to fix it. I haven't had an issue since. It's amazing.
May-Officially resigned my teaching in Indianapolis Public Schools and possibly forever. I just had enough. Enough of the stress. Jumping through hoops. Administrators that bully. And enough of turning into a robot instead of being a teacher. I went out with a bang. I wrote a very honest letter and sent it to the school board, superintendent, administration and our Attucks staff. Even though several more letters and many other resignations followed, things have not changed. At all.
June 21, 2014-I AM OFFICIALLY MARE-WEED.
The wedding was amazing. Friends and family hanging out for a week. Beautiful decorations done by my students on the deck of the Eagle Creek Sailing Club. We were not at all traditional and it as lovely. My brother Paul and his wife Wendy came into town, which just made the event for me. Everyone was so helpful and sweet. Watching all of my students come, talk, and dance gave me a wonderful feeling. It wouldn't have been the same without them there.
Mom did so well. She had fun dancing with Ben and giggling while he sang "Mother-In-Law" to her. She forgets about the wedding most of the time, but as soon as I remind her of Ben singing...she's right there.
July- We purchased THE BEAST. It has been and up and down battle with that mofo, but we LOVE it. We only had a few months to get it into shape for our Colorado trip. And that, my friend, is a whole new blog post.
August-HONEYMOON #1-TRIP TO NOLA!!
We packed our stuff and Walter and headed down to NOLA for a sweaty good time. We stayed most of the time with Jenny and Wheaties, but did take a couple of nights to ourselves at the wonderful Dauphine (thanks to Jenny for the hook-up). The salt water pool was much needed. I need to stop visiting NOLA in the summer. What is my problem? We saw lots of great music, ate AMAZING food, saw a Saints game, and even did a few tourist things. We hit a plantation, took a walk through a swamp and saw some gators, and shopped a little and even saw some Mardi Gras Indians. We didn't take many pictures, and I think I might be in one, but I can't find it.
September-HONEYMOON #2-COLORADO BABY!!
We started the trip with a few days at The Hill in Illinois for Uncle Dave's 90th birthday celebration. My first trip to the Hill. I am officially a Phelps now.
We took our time driving stayed overnight twice and eventually made it to Durango to see Randy, Erika, Samantha and Abigail. Good times. I had so much fun hanging with the girls.
Finally, a week after leaving Indy, we made it to our cabin. Quite the ride up the trail. A bit scary. And after several trips to a mechanic and quite a chunk of change later, we were able to get The Beast on Hancock Pass. The cabin was beautiful, the forest and mountains peaceful and the jeep treks quite the adventure. The dogs had a blast too. More on that trip later...lots of good stories.
After Colorado, Wheaties and Jenny convinced us to head to New Mexico for a few days of relaxation hanging' out in the hot springs and mud bath. It was LOVELY. We stayed in a quaint little motel down the road from the resort. It was so quiet and peaceful there. Sitting in a spring staring up at the stars....ahhhh.
Now......
After our return from Colorado I kind of collapsed. The last couple of years caught up with me and I became one with the couch/bed, watched a lot of movies, and slept. For the first time since I was 15 I was unemployed. I embraced my inner hermit and soaked up the laziness. The only downside has been the 15 pounds I have put on. Man, I didn't realize how much the walking I did at school really did affect my body. Damn.
I picked up a tutoring gig in November and spent the rest of the time trying to get my head back to a normal place. After all, what did I want to be when I grow up?
After several months as a hermit I still am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. BUT, I have realized it is something in Education. I am definitely not done yet. I have a great idea cooking up in my brain. I'll just use the word 'advocate' for now. Meanwhile, I am tutoring a great 6th grade girl and am about to land an Instructional Assistant position with Washington Township. Decent pay with my experience and get to work with kids, but not have all the responsibility and stress. That will give me the space to figure out the next step.
Mom is doing fine. She is about the same as she was a year ago. Stable, doesn't stress too much. And her last memory test was actually better. My goal is to spend more time with her. I haven't given her as much of me as she deserves since I have been all engrossed in my hermitness.
I am not sure what the future holds for me. I feel like I'm in a movie sometimes. The woman in her late 30s that quits her job and has no idea what to do. I can't even stick to a hobby. Which is why I think it is good for me to get back to writing. I spent most of my life taking care of my friends, family or a boyfriend. These past few years of having Ben, his family and my friends take care of me was strange. Sometimes I didn't accept the help very well. But, I think I have learned that I need to let it happen or ask for it when I need it. If I am not there yet, I know I am working on it.
I know that I typically do not handle set backs very well. That's nothing new. And I know that becoming a hermit wasn't exactly the best way to handle the abyss that is my future. But, it kind of felt good to just be selfish. These last few months are a perfect example of why I have never wanted children. I could never have binged watched so many TV shows if I had rugrats running around.
I will be back to the normal world again soon.
Maybe I can fit one more TV series in before I do...
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