The Letting Go: Chapter 4-Stress Relief

Most of my life I considered myself to be very self-sufficient, calm and possessing the ability to deal with stress in a healthy way.  As I get older and actually have major life issues that require me to use these skills, I realize that this is not who I am. Maybe it is that up until recently I did not have any major life crashes to deal with, just others and their crashes. I think when the trauma is happening to someone close to me I am an amazing care-giver and problem-solver. When the trauma is my own, however, I do not handle it well.

In the moment of the chaos I am good. I am organized and plan well. I can knock that shit out. After the chaos has hit, the stress drops down on me and I collapse. Depression. Anxiety. Not sure what all plagues me. I just know that I am not myself and have not been myself for several years.

The first thing I think of is my husband, Ben. When we met and for a couple years after, I was this happy, fun-loving, and outgoing woman. I had a lot of energy. I went out with friends and was almost always in a smiling and happy mood. I can't even picture that person anymore. I want her back.

The social person that I was during that time is not typical of me. I am an introvert at heart that has had several rounds of major social eras in my life. I think Ben knows this and is just fine with that. It's the other part that I know is very hard for him.

With Mom now gone a huge part of my stress has an escape route at the end of the tunnel. I worried about Mom on an hourly basis. It's was exhausting and terrifying. I have gotten to the point that I do not know how to live any other way. I wake up each morning thinking that that stress is still there. That I need to think about what to do next for her.

It is going to take some time for me to fully grieve and let go of all of that stress and worry. Added into that my new teaching gig and all that comes with it, I am a mess.

I slept until 7pm tonight. Not sure what time I went to sleep last night, midnight maybe. I woke up a couple of times and was up for about half an hour. When I finally got up for good at 7 I was so confused. What day was it? What time was it? What did I miss? Ben had left and I had no clue, didn't hear a thing. We are leaving for NOLA Sunday and had a plan of attack to prepare. He had gone off to do the laundry part of the plan. I was supposed to help. I finally found my phone and figured out what day it was. I felt awful that I wasn't there to help fold. In the grand scheme of things I know that this isn't a huge deal at all. He just wants me to relax and get some rest. But, for me, this tiny little problem was the straw that broke the stressed girl's back. I lost it. I broke down and cried for 15 minutes. It was the hard, full body, heart-wrenching cry that when you are done you are exhausted.

I clearly needed that big fat cry. I felt better afterwards.

Ben often reminds me that it is going to take some time for me to let go of all the stress. He is right. This vacation will be a good start for me. And after vacation I am hoping I can start off on the right foot at school. As much as you can after a holiday break, it's not exactly he same as summer break. I also hope that I can start off on the right foot for me and for Ben.

I think about going to therapy. I have even done some research on therapists. I wonder if I can get through this on my own or if I even should try. I haven't made a decision yet on that topic. I just know that if I am not invested in the therapy and WANT to be there, I shouldn't go. I will say, that I am leaning that way more and more each day. It's not that I have an aversion to therapy, I want to be a therapist after all. I just don't think I should jump into it with half a heart.

Meanwhile, I am going to focus on what is in front of me. Like, doing the dishes that are piled up right now and vacuuming the dog hair that has accumulated. It's gross.

I will worry about the rest later.