I read funny stories, scary stories, sad stories, watched lessons, READ lessons, found cool projects. I even delved into the pathetic political mess that is national and state educational debate with everything from podcasts to Facebook.
Don't misunderstand. I was not shocked by my evaluation ONE BIT. I knew it was awful. At first I thought, "It was okayyyy." NO. It. Was. Not. Okay. Who am I kidding? I am capable of so much more. Why can't I get my kids there? Where I know they can go? Where I get them one day and then not for 2 or 3 more?
All I know for sure is that I have been full of anxiety, stress and completely and utterly fatigued on a daily basis. I LITERALLY sleep the entire day every Saturday. I find myself glued to Netflix more and more instead of working because I am feeling no joy or excitement for the upcoming week. I'd take a couple days off every month, but knowing how awful my students are for subs just creates more anxiety and stress.
Then something became crystal clear as I was scrolling through open positions at various consulting firms and textbook companies.
I AM NOT BEING ME.
So what if I have had a rough few years with surgeries, Alzheimer's and Mom passing on Thanksgiving. SO WHAT! None of that mattered before. When I was at Attucks going through the first half of all those awful experiences I still taught, taught with passion and TAUGHT WELL. My students learned, grew and were excited about school. I developed amazing relationships with kids in every grade level from 6-12, even if they were never in my class. I still LOVED MY JOB.
I was not a fan of the adults, the politics or the increased standardized testing as shown below (see DATA)...but I always said..."Things are crazy right now, but I am happy in my four little walls. Things are good there."
Now I find myself getting frustrated and angry with students. I have raised my voice more this year than in my 14 years of teaching. I spend 6 or so hours a week calling, writing and texting parents-just about each student everyday-to let them know how their child is doing with behavior and academics. But, I still have a large amount of kids that cannot use self control. I know I am am learning a whole new grade level, curriculum, district expectations...blah blah blah. But, why I am letting this all get to me so much? Why am I letting that stop me from having fun? Why do I feel so much pressure to do exactly as they tell me, every strategy, every management techniques, GO GO GO. I am just setting myself up for failure.
And I realized that I have been listening to everyone around me, something I have never done. I have been trying to conform and become something that I am not. I am not a robot or a clone. Why would anyone want to walk around the building and see exactly the same things being done in every single room? BORING. I don't understand. Just because someone tells me that using a certain graphic organizer, to follow EXACTLY what is written on the district website, or to push through the lesson because that is what administration looks for...and that the instruction is more important to our evaluation than anything else. Be careful, Lara, so much rides on our DATA, those data meetings are rough. There is something to the data thing (which inherently goes against the philosophy that we are trying to immerse ourselves in). Although administration has told me to take one step at a time and that they know a lot is expected in WT, there is also this unspoken pressure. That's a different post. Another day.
Pffft. Phooey. Blah. No wonder I have felt completely uncomfortable all year, that is not me. I need to find my OWN way. I ALWAYS do what is right for the kids. They are first. I did not enter this profession to impress anyone. I know that I still have done some good. I have not completely disappeared down the rabbit hole, I am still there, kicking and screaming to get out. I have watched several students with major issues pull through and gain confidence and learn about themselves. In fact, this past Friday, one of my sugar pies had a huge breakthrough. I was so dang happy for the kid.
However, I find that I am so weighted down by the negatives, the positives get lost in the shuffle. I have yet to be complimented one time. I have never needed positive reinforcement, but it would probably have helped this time around. I am not sure if anyone sees my positive days, moments, or lessons. And being completely new. They have no idea who I am. I have wanted to say, "Wait, I really don't suck, I swear! Just give me some time, look....see...waittt!"
Of course, it doesn't mean that I am going to NOT use the strategies I am being taught just out of spite. I have been introduced to many effective strategies. I have LOTS AND LOTS to learn and I have since the start of my career, I have never stopped learning.
But, I am also very tired of working harder and not smarter. I am tired of walking around with a fake smile and a broken heart. It's only February and I am already burned out. And this situation is very confusing. In IPS it was very obvious what was happening and the administrators did not even try to hide their agendas. This time I know that is not what is happening. I know the administrators WANT us to succeed, they care, but I do also see a fair amount of lip service. However, it is hidden. Do they even REALIZE what they are doing to us? Has anyone said anything to them? I have been told by 10+ staff members that they feel the same as I do and are miserable. I have IAs telling me as well how miserable the teachers are feeling. What gives? And do I step up and say something? In the past I would not have hesitated. I'm good at communicating this kind of information to those in administrative positions, a place that others are usually afraid of going. But, should I? Really, in the end, if they don't know me....I don't know them either. Would they really hear me? Would I be digging my own grave? Maybe I should just say THAT...oh so many questions.
I digress.
Back to that moment of realization that I have not been myself. I closed my computer. I took my pathetic butt off the couch. And I began to clean the house. Something I have not had the energy to do in a long time. And those that know me well, know that is huge. A clean organized home makes me FEEL better.
I have felt more at peace today than I have in years.
I simply became aware of myself and made the decision to change...to be me again.
Clearly, my classroom will not change overnight, but pretty close. I have done it before. I am not going to say that I won't raise my voice on Monday (boy, I hope not though). I can't live like that anymore.
What I am going to do is apologize to my students.
Something I don't see teachers do very often. Something I have never hesitated to do if needed. I am going to apologize to them for not being the best me I can be. I am going to apologize for forgetting what they really need from me. We have had many good days too, they have made progress since the holiday break, it hasn't been a complete flop. But, I see things headed down hill again and I am very relieved that I came to this crossroads, because I am not sure my mental state could have handled any more. I have let my kids down so many times and I just don't think I could have handled doing it again, they deserve better.
So, I will go forward. Slowwwwly. I will try to find my passion again. I will be honest with myself and with my kids and their parents, my colleagues and possibly my administrators. I know that many of our students are a challenge, again a post for another day. I see many of my same road blocks all over the building. But, I don't need to be miserable everyday. I don't need to have sore knees, a sore hip, migraines and have lots almost 60 pounds due to stress (don't worry, I eat). I will be tired, but I will be tired in that good way. And smiling as much as I can.
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