My Own "Sundowning"

"Sundowning" is a common part of Alzheimer's. The person usually has a more difficult time doing things at night. Something they may not have a problem doing or communicating during the day can be almost impossible during "sundowning."

I have definitely noticed this in Mom. She tends to become more easily confused, scared and lonely at night. It is the one time I sincerely wish she was still with Ben and I. I talk with her every night around 8pm to help calm her. She has developed a good routine, however. She walks Beatrix around 7pm, we talk a for a bit, then I have her get her PJs out and  after we hang up she takes a shower and gets into bed to relax and watch the Hallmark Movie Channel (giggles). It seems to work well for her, the middle of the night calls have been few and far between. We often joke that she is lucky to be able to sleep through that part.

I, on the other hand, have my own version of "sundowning." The evening calls with Mom are the toughest. I just feel awful hearing that she is lonely and scared. She knows she is safe. She knows I am close. In fact, she is very aware that her 'feelings' do not quite make sense and that it is part of the disease. It just so hard to hear her crying and feeling so desperate. It is during this time that I usually hear the words, "I don't want to be in this world anymore. Why I am still here?"

After these calls is when I can easily fall into a bit of depression. For example, after last night's call I laid back on the couch to watch "The Walking Dead" with Ben. Even with all the zombies and gross stuff happening, I just couldn't distract myself. I was quiet and basically just bummed. It lasted for a bit, but I eventually pulled myself out of it.

I know that care giving is tough and I need to look out for me too. This blog, the Alzheimer's Association site (specifically the caregivers forum), Ben...these are all daily ways for me to vent and connect. I have had one really bad day, just down in the dumps.  But, I am doing just fine. I reached some sort of bottom or something. I feel more stable. It isn't going to be easy and this is all very new. So, one day at a time (na na na naaaa), breathe in and out, remember to have my own life.....I will make it. Deep down, I am just too damn optimistic, I can't see any other way then to get through and find happiness...I always do.