Feelin' Allllright

I am really working at keeping up with the blog. And it means so much to me that all of you take the time to read it. I was talking to Erik recently and we talked about how the blog was not just good for me as a way to vent and process, but also so that all of my friends know the story and I don't have to repeat a ton of emotional details. It has helped. The questions I find myself answering bypass the initial 'needing the facts' and get more into how I am feeling and how Mom is feeling.

About a week or so ago I hit a major bump in the road emotionally. I was angry. Frustrated. Not just about Mom, but how this has affected my life. Specifically, my life with Ben. I thought I was well aware of how I handle things. I do not ask for help. I keep much of what I am going through inside. I knew that I was doing those things....but I didn't really accept what that meant to my emotional well-being. Not really.

I blew up. Mostly all over Ben.

But, it helped. A lot.

I hit my bottom and have really dealt with some issues since. And as a result I am much more relaxed. Happier. Much less emotional.

Cherry on top...Mom is doing much better too. She still has ups and downs. She still has days with the usual repeating of her top 5 questions. HOWEVER, she is having many good days....many good days in a row at that. That's my Mama. She loves being at AG. She loves her apartment, having her things, Bea, and privacy. What is making the difference in her emotional health is that she is making a ton of friends. They spend the days talking and going to activities together. She even has a best friend. The phone calls are not even happening daily. I often can go 24 hours with only 1 or even 0 calls. Same with Lynn. It used to be if she wasn't calling me, she was calling Lynn. Not anymore. Amazing.

Bottom line...things are calming down. I know that she will not stay this well forever. I'll take what I can. I am feeling like I can have a life again. I am also really starting see how I have changed.I am looking forward to summer. I need a break and also need to start over. I just want this year to be finished. Put it behind me and move on. Damn.

I do have lots to do at home. Packing up and selling the house. But the rest of the time, SCHOOL IS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!! BRING IT!!!!!!